


Decisions and Revisions

by iihappydaysii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Pining, Porn Watching, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Smut, read dtu for a happy ending, slight AU, this is its prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-04-04 12:16:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: Dan and Phil are just really good friends. Dan wishes they were more, but over the past few years has mostly come to terms with the fact that it's never going to happen. But when accidentally Dan walks in on Phil one night, things start to change.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a prequel to my fic Disturb the Universe

 

Dan spent so much of his life—too much of his life—trying not to look at Phil. Well, at least not too long. Not in the wrong way. But it wasn’t easy, his gaze had always been almost supernaturally drawn to Phil, to the narrow length of his body, the angles of his features, the way you could see the blue of his veins so clearly through the pale skin on his wrists…

He kept waiting for this feeling to go away. Kept waiting for the friendship they’d built to finally, _finally,_ suffocate the rest of it. Kept waiting for his heart to stop beating so fast, kept waiting for his mouth not to go dry, for his mind not to wander to impossible things. But, it seemed, for Dan, the most impossible thing was getting over Phil.

And there hadn’t even really been anything there to get over, at least not from Phil’s perspective.

Dan shook his head and let out a breath as he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. He was walking toward the new London apartment with a plastic bag slung over his arm. He’d gone to the drug store to pick up a few things they needed. Phil hadn’t been in the mood to go out, which wasn’t all that rare of an occurrence, but they’d needed hand soap for the bathroom and Dan had needed something else… something he wasn’t going to tell Phil about. Something that helped Dan stay friendly with his left hand.

He should probably have tried to find a girlfriend over the last couple years (or maybe a boyfriend… maybe…though he wasn’t sure he ready for that) Dan could have at least gone out and gotten laid. He’d gone as far as kissing a girl he’d met through some old uni friends, but he didn’t manage to go farther than that—and it wasn’t that she was a girl. He wasn’t gay. It was that she wasn’t Phil. That made it feel wrong, even when it wasn’t.

But it wasn’t like Phil was doing any better picking up women, as far as Dan knew. And he knew pretty far because they were rarely apart. Phil had been on some dates over the years though… a few not all that long ago actually, though, as usual, nothing had seemed to come of it. It was evident that neither one of them wanted to be apart for long, even if Dan wanted things with Phil that Phil didn’t want with him. That was entirely irrelevant to that fact that they still kept on spinning around each other like twin planets. 

When Dan got back to the flat, he called out for Phil, but Phil didn’t answer, so he called out again. Still, no answer. Dan sat the grocery bag near the sink and headed towards their bedrooms.

“Phil. I’m back. You here?” Dan’s brow furrowed. “ _Phil._ ” He stuck his head into Phil’s bedroom because the door was open, but he wasn’t there. 

 _Oh well,_ Dan thought, _maybe he’s just in the gaming room. Maybe he has headphones on._

Dan decided to go to his bedroom and take off his shoes and change into something more comfortable before going to the gaming room to let Phil know he’d made it back. He pushed open the door to his room.

Phil was sat at Dan’s desk, looking at Dan’s computer, a hand down his pants.

His head was tipped back a little, and Dan could see his arm moving back and forth. On the screen was some porn Dan had downloaded to a file called ‘old school papers’ that he assumed no one would actually want to go digging around in, but apparently Phil had—and he’d found this—one man on his knees, face pressed into the mattress, fingers scrambling at the sheets, as another man pounded into him from behind.

Phil was jerking off to _this_? The same Phil who’d never said he was straight in so many words, but had been very clear about his boundaries with Dan since that night on the Manchester Eye. The same Phil, who’d never so much made a passing comment about an attractive man, despite Dan being certain he’d seen his gaze linger sometimes on hard bodies a little too long.

“Oh, God,” Phil said, breathily, and the sound went straight between Dan’s legs.

Dan’s face flushed and he strained against his zipper, unable to do anything else but press the heel of his hand to his growing erection. He let out an involuntary hiss. 

Phil startled and swiveled in the chair toward him. Their eyes met—locked—and Dan stayed dead still, not even moving his hand away from the aching hardness. Any sudden movement could bring all of this tumbling down.

Phil’s jeans were unbuttoned, his knuckles visible bumps underneath his cotton boxer-briefs. His cheeks and neck were flushed a beautiful pink. It was an incredible sight, and Dan never wanted to look away from it.

So he didn’t. Instead, Dan took a risk and rubbed his cock through his jeans with the heel of his hand like it was a kind of secret message. 

Phil’s mouth dropped open, the sex sounds from the porn still played out, filling Dan’s bedroom with the soft grunts and whimpers. He paused. For a moment, Dan thought Phil was going to slide his hand out of his pants and demand to know what Dan was doing, looking at him like _that,_ rubbing a boner through his jeans. He didn’t though, he simply moved his own hand up and down again, then cast his eyes away from Dan.

“This is a good one,” Dan said, his voice low. “I watch it a lot.” _What am I doing? What am I doing?_ “You ever watch stuff like this?”

“Not… no.” Phil’s words were tangled up with his labored breaths. “I saw some in uni, but no. Is this what you…normally watch?”

Dan could hear the question. _Do you watch men fuck because you’re gay? No,_ Dan wanted to say, _I watch men fuck because I like to watch men fuck. I like to watch women fuck. I like to watch men and women fuck._ But he didn’t want to fight with Phil, certainly not right now. 

“Sometimes.” Dan pulled his hand away from his cock, determined not to scare Phil off. “Keep watching. Keep going. It gets really good.”

Phil hesitated, his eyes holding on Dan’s a moment longer before he pivoted back toward the glow of the computer screen. 

The men were turned around now. The shaggy haired one was riding the clean cut one, just bouncing himself up and down on his cock. Dan was so hard now, his mouth dry, his skin hot all over. It was strange to think that Dan had actually managed to not have sex in years, to have never had _this._ Never had a man. The closest he’d gotten was a dildo he’d ordered last year. He wondered what Phil would think if he knew how many times Dan had sat on that dildo and bounced just like that guy on the screen, bounced and imagined that silicone was flesh and blood and Phil. 

“Dan…” Phil’s voice was mostly just a gasp at this point.

“Please don’t stop.”

Phil let out a groan, then just kept jacking off, his eyes on the screen, on the two men who were sweaty and flushed and fucking. 

Their mouths met, hard and wet, and nothing like what Dan thought kissing should really be like, but it was still hot to watch, to watch them wetly licking into each other’s open mouths.

Phil’s hand started to move even faster, his grunts growing breathier, faster.

“Shit,” Phil said. “Shit. I’m going to— _shit._ ” Phil spun a little towards Dan as he came, squirting up onto his t-shirt, his head titled back, his mouth dropped open, his face so beautifully twisted up in pleasure. 

He was sat on Dan’s chair, in Dan’s room, watching Dan’s gay porn, while Dan stood there, just watching him come apart. 

But, fuck, fuck now it was over and the panic clawed up Dan’s chest. What if Phil was pissed at him? What if this screwed things up for them?

Phil’s breaths came ragged and when they finally slowed, he asked, without looking at Dan, “Sorry.”

“That’s… it’s okay.” More than okay.

“I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have gotten on your computer. I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dan said, not wanting Phil to freak out over this and for things to get weird between them. Not when they’d just moved to London on absolutely nothing but the vague possibility that the BBC might pick up their radio show. “Can’t we just not worry about it, huh? It’s not a big deal.”

Phil blinked at him, a crease of work between his eyes. “So, we’re fine?”

Dan put on a stiff smile, still hard as fucking rock in his jeans, “Yeah, Phil. Of course. We’re fine.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m going to take a shower,” Dan said, his heart hammering in his chest.

“O-okay.” Phil blinked, and Dan wondered if Phil knew why he needed a shower right now. Knew that it all came down to the almost painful ache between his legs that was entirely the result of what he’d just seen Phil do.

“That was… I was going to before… I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t just taken one and there was still hot water.”

“There’s still hot water,” Phil said, a little distantly.

Dan nodded, tense, still in disbelief. “O-okay. Well, I’m going to go, uh, do that.” He turned on his heel and left his own room. He walked down the hall to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. 

Dan’s squeezed his eyes shut and leaned against the door. He curled his fingers in towards his palms and let out a breath. Had that just actually happened? It couldn’t have could it? But it had. Dan had watched Phil jack off and come. Phil had known and _let_ him. What the hell did it mean?

_Nothing,_ Dan told himself. Once and then a dozen more times. It didn’t mean anything. He couldn’t let himself believe that it meant something. Not the fuck at all. Not if he wanted to continue holding this all together, holding himself together, in the face of being absolutely, ridiculously in love with the best friend he could never fucking have. Not like that. 

Dan started stripping his clothes off, tossing them into a heap on the tile until he was completely naked. Completely naked and still hard. Hard as fuck. He turned on the water and considered turning the faucet to cold and chilling his own desire away, but he wasn’t sure it would even work. Not after what he’d just seen. So Dan kept the water nice and hot and stepped under the strong stream. 

He immediately wrapped a hand around his cock, a primal instinct to chase the heady buzz of want. But, when he did, he saw Phil again, head tossed back, flushed, the sound of his hand sliding against what had to be the silky smooth skin of his cock. Dan dropped his hand away and reached to turn the cold water on, but he hesitated. It wasn’t like he’d never gotten off to the idea of Phil before. It wasn’t like when images of cocks and breasts didn’t work he didn’t turn to thoughts of his roommate, his best friend, in the way he’d never get to actually experience him. Dan had never been a good enough person to not, but it felt different now. Different now that he knew what Phil sounded like when he came, knew how absolutely delicious he looked.

Dan let out a low groan. _Fuck it… Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it._

He wrapped his hand around his cock and squeezed as he slid it up and down, and up and down, the slick sound barely audible above the rush of the hot water. Dan shut his eyes, stood in the spray and focused on nothing but that so good feeling that was just building and building in him. He was hot all over and gasping in thick gulps of steam as he moved his hand faster and faster. Dan pressed his forehead to the cool tile of the shower and dug his teeth into his bottom lip. He let the images of Phil flicker in his mind, let the sounds of him come back too. Phil had always been too much for Dan. The perfect thing to tip him over the edge when nothing else could. Dan jerked himself harder, faster, imagining Phil standing behind him and whispering in his ear, “God, right there, baby. You can do it. Come for me.”

Dan always came for Phil. Always. Even when he wasn’t real. 

He shot long, thick strings of come all over the tile. Dan groaned, letting his body come down from that stolen high. The hot water was still pelting him and he stepped out of the spray enough to let it wash his come off the wall.

How was he supposed to go out of this room now? When Phil probably knew exactly what he’d just been doing in here?

Dan tried to put the thought away as he finished up his shower, but when he was drying off and wrapping the towel around his waist, all he could think about was seeing Phil, about how it could all be fucked now. Fucked and they’d just moved to London. Fucked and they couldn’t get out of his lease. Fucked and they had to keep it together for the goddamn radio show that wasn’t exactly a total guarantee. 

With a deep breath, Dan shut his eyes and resolved to act like nothing at all had happened, unless Phil brought it up.

Dan went to his room and got dressed, trying not to think about how not long ago, Phil had come sitting right on that chair. He pulled on joggers and t-shirt that was a little too big for him and walked back into the kitchen. 

Phil was making a cup of coffee.

“Isn’t it a little late for coffee?” Dan asked.

Phil jumped. “Jesus, Dan. You scared me.”

“Sorry, mate.”

“It’s okay… and no, it’s… it’s fine.”

“Whatever you say, but you know you’re gonna be up all night.”

Phil shot him a glare and it was playful and normal. Dan felt himself relax a little on the inside. 

“I hope so because we have a lot of work to do for the radio show.”

Dan groaned. “Tonight? Seriously?”

Phil gave him a look. “Yes. Tonight. Seriously.”

“Fine.” Dan tried to look put out but, honestly, he liked an excuse to spend the whole evening with Phil, even though he normally didn’t need an excuse at all. Tonight, it felt like he did—and he was glad to have work to force them through any possible awkwardness. 

 

The next day everything seemed to be relatively normal. They got out of bed and ate breakfast and hung out together. Dan was satisfied that they hadn’t totally ruined everything between them. He could just chalk the whole thing up to their strangely close friendship—their really unusual friendship. Sometimes these things happened when you lived with someone for so long, when you spent all your time together.

Dan came out of his room from working on a script for a new video. “Do you want to order dinner? I’m starved.” He crashed down on the sofa besides Phil.

“Sorry, I would, but I’m going out,” Phil said. 

“Really? Out where?”

Phil rubbed at the back of his neck. “You remember that girl? The one from my dentist’s office.”

Dan felt his stomach start to sink, and the anger at himself start to rise. “Uh, I think so.” He remembered. He definitely remembered.

“Well, yeah, we’re just going out to dinner again, that’s all.”

Still sinking, still rising. “Oh, I didn’t know you were still seeing her.”

“Yeah, I mean, sort of. She’s nice and smart. Really smart.”

_I’m smart too._ Sinking, Rising. _Stop it. you insecure bitch._ “Well, cool. I’ll just eat something around here, then.” Dan stood from the sofa. He needed to get out of this room.

“I bought some stuff for sandwiches last time I was at Tesco’s.” Phil looked over at him and gave him a soft smile.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks. Have fun tonight.” Dan made a bee-line for the kitchen. He needed the space to breathe, to get his head together. 

He stayed in there, making and eating the world’s slowest sandwich until he heard Phil traipse down the stairs and leave. 

When he finished the sandwich, Dan realized he needed a distraction of the absolute highest order. He put on his noise-cancelling headphones and settled down for a full night of Halo 3. Maybe shooting at aliens would help calm the sick feeling he had in his stomach. It was the best remedy he could think of, even if it wasn’t a very good one.

It was late—later than Dan even realized—when Phil came back to the flat. He was between levels, so he took off his headphones to acknowledge Phil. 

“Hey, you’re back,” Dan said, trying to sound casual.

“You’re still up?”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Have you met me?”

“Point taken.” Phil gave him a small smile. “What’cha playing?”

“Halo 3. Wanna join?”

Phil hesitated, biting his bottom lip. Then, he shrugged. “What the hell.” He flopped down beside Dan, and Dan handed him the other controller. 

They were sat close now, not even foot apart, barely six inches. Normally, that closeness would make Dan’s heart fight to find a steady beat, but this time, it was, as if, for a moment, his heart stopped all together. 

Blooming just above the collar of Phil’s t-shirt were three small pink bruises, and directly on the collar, was a smear of red lipstick. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Several weeks passed and Dan still hadn’t gotten the image of those hickeys and that red lipstick out of his head. It was just permanently branded in his mind, which was both ridiculous and unfair as it was not like Phil wasn’t allowed to go on dates. It wasn’t like he and Dan were dating. They most definitely were not. Phil was allowed to have sex. Just because Dan wasn’t having sex with anyone that didn’t mean a thing about Phil. It was pretty delusional of Dan to think someone as attractive as Phil, who’d expressed interested in sex, wasn’t _having_ sex. Of course, he was.

And, anyway, maybe Dan should. Maybe that was exactly what Dan needed. A date. A girlfriend. A fuck. _Something._ There were dating sites he could go on. Or friends he could have set him up with other friends. If he shoved his anxiety all the way down to his feet, he could probably meet someone— _maybe even a man_ , his traitorous mind supplied—at a pub. But the thought made him a little wobbly. Ever since he’d met Phil it had been hard, impossible really, to imagine other hands on his body, other mouths on his mouth, even though he hadn’t ever had Phil like that. Well, besides, that one kiss. The kiss on the Manchester Eye that had started and ended everything all at once. it didn’t matter though, Dan still hadn’t managed to get past it. He hadn’t been able to have someone touch or kiss him since without his skin crawling.

But, at least, Dan thought, though maybe he shouldn’t have, Phil had stopped seeing the girl from the dentist’s office, the owner of that red lipstick. It was only a guess, but it was a pretty well-evidenced one. Phil hadn’t spent a night away from Dan since then. They could be texting or something, but Dan was pretty sure they weren’t. When he and Phil had started becoming friends, they texted and skyped and spent a ridiculous amount of time just communicating. Wouldn’t Phil do at least as much for someone he was _actually_ into?

Dan let out a sigh. He was so tired of thinking about this. He walked away from the computer in his bedroom to go do something _more,_ something that would pull him out of the spiral of his mind.

In the living room, he found Phil sat on the floor, cross legged, in front of their DVD collection.

“Gonna watch something?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, can’t decide though. You busy or you want to watch with me?”

“Sure? Why not?”

“Cool. Now, help me pick. I’ve been sat here twenty minutes already.” Phil looked up at him, his eyes were wide and looked bigger through his glasses. He was so cute sometimes that it was just unfair. Dan shoved that thought away as quick as it came.

Dan grinned and sat down beside Phil on the floor, their bare knees touching. “Hmm… let’s see. Oh I know. Kill Bill!” He pulled the dvd out.

“God, how long has it been since we’ve watched this?”

“I reckon since that week I stayed with you in Manchester.”

“Wow. You know it’s like my dad always used to say. Days go slow and years go fast.”

“I guess, old man.” Dan playfully rolled his eyes and stood. “Now get up and make me popcorn as my reward for helping you make a decision.”

Phil worked his way off the floor. “One bag or two.”

“Two.” Dan smiled. “Definitely two.”

 

There were only a few kernels left at the bottom of the bowl and they were only about half way through the movie. Dan had snacked on a few of the unpopped kernels, but Phil had elbowed him and whispered, “Stop that. It’s weird… and loud.”

“Leave me alone,” Dan said, but it was half-hearted, and he only ended up eating more kernels after that.

Still, the elbowing had moved Phil even closer to Dan on the couch, so close, their arms were lined up and he could feel Phil’s subtle movements against him. It didn’t take long for those small shifts to steal his attention away from the movie entirely.

“Did I ever tell you about the crush Martyn had on her?” Phil asked quietly.

“Uma Thurman?”

Phil nodded. “Yup. It was so awkward… this one time I couldn’t sleep and so I went into his room. I was like, I don’t know, fifteen or sixteen, and I walked in on him… you know… to like… to the DVD case.”

“Oh my God. What the fuck?” Dan laughed.

“Don’t tell him I told you that.”

“I have to though. I have to mock him immediately.” Dan reached for his cell phone, and Phil practically jumped on him trying to wrest it away.

“Don’t, Dan!” Phil was practically on top of Dan now, and Dan was _highly_ aware of it. If he was pulling the phone even further out of reach now, then who could blame him. “ _Dan._ Come on. He’ll kill me.”

As much as Dan didn’t want Phil to move away—and he most definitely did not—he gave in. He hadn’t really planned on texting Martyn anyway. He’d just wanted to fuck with Phil again. He got so whiny and blushed when he was flustered. Dan, God help him, loved a flustered Phil.

“Alright, alright,” Dan said, slipping the phone back into his pocket. “I won’t. I don’t blame your brother anyway. Who hasn’t wanked it to Uma?”

Phil slowly pulled off Dan, and Dan felt every inch of him moving away, felt it like an ache.

“I haven’t,” Phil said.

“Well, then you’re missing out.”

Phil looked over at him, a defiant eyebrow raised. “Am I?”

“Guess you could find out.” Dan looked toward the telly, to Uma Thurman in that skin tight body suit. What was he even saying?

Phil snorted. “I don’t know.”

“I know you know how to masturbate, Phil.” Dan was going for a lighthearted joke but he didn’t think through the implications of what he had just said.

“Not to Uma Thurman though,” Phil said, looking over at him, like he wasn’t at all put off by what Dan had just said and maybe, maybe, he wasn’t.

“It works exactly the same way,” Dan said, his voice naturally slower, breathier now.

Phil’s tone changed to match his. “Does it?”

“Yeah, see.” Overcome with a wild and irresponsible surge of courage, Dan pressed his hand to his crotch, feeling the hardness against the heel of his hand and letting the pressure stir up a rush of want. “Exactly the same.”

Phil held his gaze for a moment, his eyes dropping slightly. There was inexplicable energy between them that had Dan’s mouth going dry. He bit down on the inside of his cheek just to keep himself grounded to the moment.  Then Phil placed his own hand between his leg and rubbed and that sight—that sight was just too damn much.

Dan licked his lips and rubbed over his erection again, feeling it through his whole body. “God,” he said. “That is a hell of a look, isn’t?”

“Hmm…” Phil said.

“Uma.” Dan replied. “Her tits look great.” His words came out a little stilted and he could feel them awkward in his mouth. Too much like he was trying to be a lad.

“Yeah.” Phil was rubbing himself. “Always liked her blonde hair too.”

Dan’s mouth dropped open and let out a breath as he popped open the button of his jeans with two fingers. The strain and pressure had gotten too much. “You’ve always had a thing for blondes, haven’t you? I mean, Buffy, for one.”

Phil made a muffled sound that was probably agreement as he tugged his own sweatpants down enough to expose the short dark curls just above the waistband of his pants. There was something just so inherently _sexual_ about that, about that little bit of normally hidden hair that Dan had twitching hard in his jeans.

Dan tugged down the zipper. Even with Kill Bill playing it seemed to be the loudest sound in the room, and Phil’s gaze cast down over at Dan. Was the spell broken? Was whatever strange heady magic that was letting them do this going to be extinguished by Phil’s gaze and the sound of Dan’s fly?

But apparently not… apparently not at all because Phil was slowly sliding those narrow fingers down under the soft fabric of his sweatpants. His eyes shut and he bit into his lip, and the hidden swell changed in a way that Dan knew he had his hand wrapped around himself. The movement inspired Dan to move his own hand inside his pants, feel out for the warm silkiness of his own cock. His pants were too tight though for him to really get his fingers where he needed them.

“She’s so… I miss that poster sometimes,” Phil said.

“I thought you never got off to her.”

“I hadn’t. Regretting it now though.”

Dan gave a dark, low laugh. “Can’t blame you,” he said, doing his best to sound disaffected, but he wasn’t. God, he was anything but.

And they could talk about Uma Thurman all damn night, but it didn’t change the fact that neither one of the was focused on the colorful light of the screen. Their gazes, and their bodies a little too, were turned in towards each other.

The harder Dan got the harder it was to keep his cock in his pants. It was starting to turn to the not-so-good side of pain, even for Dan who’d always found something a little sexual about the bite of a little pain. He’d sometimes bite his thumb or dig his nails into the meaty flesh of his palms just to bring himself that much closer to release, but he definitely didn’t think he’d need that tonight.

Dan took another risk and shimmied his skinny jeans down a little, taking his cotton boxer briefs with him. He let the head of his cock poke out and lay felt against his stomach like an arrow pointing up towards his navel. The band of his pants was still holding his shaft down near the base, just above his pulled tight balls. He rubbed a thumb over his slit and little pearl of come dribbled out. He caught it and slid it down over his foreskin. He hissed at the soft, wet wonderful feeling of it.

“Dan,” Phil breathed.

That voice—blissed out and husky—saying his name—was enough for Dan’s cock to twitch and spill another sticky splash of pre-come. This time it dribbled into the soft trail of hair beneath his belly button.

Dan glanced over at Phil to see him, lifting his hips and working his own boxers down enough to let his hard cock out.

“Fuck.” The word fell out of Dan’s mouth without permission. “Fuck.” There it was again.

Phil was hung. So fucking hung that Dan felt a passing wave of jealousy, of insecurity, before he decided he didn’t care because he was getting to see this. Actually getting to see Phil’s long, thick cock, veiny and pink, almost too big for the delicate hand wrapped around it.

When Phil slid his hand up and down, tip to base, Dan followed his lead, tip to base, hissing from the drag that was barely eased by pre-come. Dan liked it smooth, not rough, so he brought his palm to his hand and licked it, before bringing it back to his cock. Before matching his rhythm with Phil’s again.

Neither one of them was speaking anymore—and that was probably for the best. The room was a strange, almost unsettling mix of Kill Bill’s action score, the slick slide of their hands over their own rock hard cocks and desperate gasping breaths.

Dan dropped his gaze to Phil’s cock again, unsure of how he’d even looked away for a moment. Phil’s hand on his cock was the most sexual thing Dan had ever seen, and he had a lifetime’s supply of porn on his computer. Still, nothing compared to this. To his cock and Phil’s cock, and chasing this primal, down-to-your-bones instinct, not _together_ but together. Close enough.

Close enough for every single inch of Dan’s body to be lit a match—wick skin and gasoline veins. He couldn’t hold it together much longer. He could feel that pleasure, that peak, feeling himself beginning to peak, but he didn’t want to come before Phil. For some reason, he just didn’t want to, so he slowed his touch, backed away just a little, and it made him whimper, made him whine.

Phil wasn’t slowing down, his hand was practically a blur and the slick wet slap grew fast and almost deafening. Then, Dan heard it—saw it— _experienced_ it—again. Phil was coming, and it was beautiful. Pink blushed and eyes closed and mouth open. That large, gorgeous cock was twitching and shooting all over his stomach and t-shirt. It was a godawful mess and Dan loved a mess. _Loved_ it.

He jacked himself now, fast, a destination in mind, and with Phil still gasping for air, still dribbling a little come. Dan let his orgasm rush through him, let his entire tense and arch, let his mouth mutter a string of nearly incomprehensible curses as he spilled hot all over his fingers.

Dan drew in long, deep breaths just trying to calm his racing heart. He could hear and feel Phil beside him doing the same thing.

A few moments later, Dan heard the sound of tissue being pulled out of the box and he glanced over to see Phil pulling some out. He handed a wad to Dan and kept the rest for himself.

“Should we rewind to where we were?” Phil said, his voice a little shaky. “I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “I wasn’t either.”

He wanted to sound normal, though nothing about this was normal. He was wiping come off himself, while Phil was sat beside him doing the same thing. What the hell had just happened? Like what the actual fucking hell?

 


	4. Chapter 4

Dan wasn’t sure if things went back to normal after that night on the couch, after Uma Thurman. He wasn’t sure if there was normal after something like that. It was a something that felt like a line in the sand, like a world defined by before and after it. But even if he and Phil didn’t exactly return to normal. It wasn’t as if things had gone  _ bad.  _ It wasn’t like they weren’t talking. It wasn’t like every interaction was nervous and awkward. They were still the same them, the same friends, just with an energy around them. An energy sparked, maybe, Dan thought, by coming at the same time, by coming with their shoulders pressed together.

Still, little had changed. Dan made his videos and Phil made his. They’d occasionally come together on the sofa to live broadcast to a couple thousand people. They’d answer questions and both pretend not to see some of the questions that would occasionally flash through the chat.

_ Is Phan real lol? _

_ Who tops? Bet it’s Phil. _

_ Are you guys gay? _

But those questions weren’t new, were they? It wasn’t like the viewers could see the shift between them, could they? He didn’t think so, but sometimes Dan wished he could just tell his audience that he was as confused about the answers to those questions as they were. That maybe he’d give them an answer if he ever had an answer to give them. 

Now, more than ever, Dan was confused by those questions.  _ Is Phan real _ ? What did that even mean? How could he begin to answer it? Had they kissed? Sure, years ago, and Phil had said Dan had gotten the wrong idea. Was Phil Dan’s boyfriend? Easy. No. But had Dan seen Phil come? Yes, though it was an accident once and something inexplicable the next time. Just bros… helping bros, maybe?

He sighed. Even Dan, king of saying bullshit in a tone of voice that made it sound perfectly reasonable, was having trouble convincing himself of that one. 

When Dan walked out of his bedroom, he found Phil sitting on the sofa folding their laundry. It was  _ their  _ laundry because it was the towels. It would have been silly for them to have two sets of towels, so they’d gone to the store and picked out towels together back when they lived in Manchester. It was a perfectly reasonable thing for two friends to do.  

“Want some help?” Dan asked as he sat down by Phil on the couch.

“Please.” Phil nudged the plastic laundry basket in Dan’s direction. “Folding laundry is so boring.”

“It really is, isn’t it? Absolute peak boring.” Dan pulled out a blue dishcloth and started to fold it. “Like depressing, never ending origami.”

“Folding laundry would be much more fun if we could fold all of our hand towels into majestic terry cloth swans.”

Dan held up his neatly folded washcloth. “Oh come on, this is one beautiful square.” 

“Nah, that’s got nothing on this impressive rectangle.” Phil displayed one of their bath towels, holding it out in his arms.

“A true work of art,” Dan said with a small chuckle.

“Isn’t it?” Phil smiled back at him his nose crinkling up. 

That one look—as small and soft as it was—sent Dan into a tailspin. Something flipped in chest. He loved this and hated it all at once. He liked the domesticity of their life. The way they shared their life as if they were building a single thing together instead of two things side by side. Dan loved that, but he  _ hated  _ it. Because somewhere, buried beneath all the want and warmth he felt for Phil, Dan could also feel the ticking of a clock. A clock that would eventually strike midnight.

Pulling two separate things apart would hurt a lot less than tearing down a thing built together. But Dan, God fucking help him, couldn’t give up what it felt like now, even if he could imagine how much it would hurt later when he had to take it all apart.

After they folded the laundry, Phil suggested they go see a movie and Dan agreed. So they actually pulled on jeans instead of pajama bottoms or joggers for once and took the train to the cinema together. It was relaxing—the rumble of the underground, both of them with their hand on the same metal pole. Occasionally they’d jostle against each other, and neither moved away when the vibrations would move them closer. Dan felt safe like this, comforted, with Phil so close by. Like the universe was as it was meant to be.

They talked quietly as they walked into the cinema. Dan always liked to watch Phil’s face when they went to see a movie. There, Phil lit up, like he was a kid again, drawn in, it seemed, by the scent of buttery popcorn, by the sounds and the lights and all the movie posters with their bold graphic design.

“Wait, wait, Phil. Finish your story.”

“Oh, oh sorry. So, yeah, so Martyn was walking around with this huge carpet burn on his face, pretending nothing had happened so he could keep doing the trial. It was ridiculous”

Dan laughed. “You’re giving me way too much blackmail material on your brother.”

Phil looked at him, his expression confused, and then realization seemed to wash over him. “Oh…oh yeah. You can expose him about this, but he’d literally kill me and  _ you _ if he knew I’d told you about the other thing.”

“I don’t know. I’m bigger than him now. I think I could take him.”

Phil snorted. “You know he’s actually done ‘an exercise’ before?”

“Hey.” Dan playfully knocked into Phil. “Just for that you’re buying the popcorn.”

“I always buy the popcorn.”

Dan smiled. Phil was right. He did _ always _ buy the popcorn. 

Going to the cinema was something they’d done together pretty much forever, enough that they had little rituals around it. Around who bought the drinks—Dan—and who bought popcorn—Phil. And they always sat in the middle near the back for optimum neck comfort and so their heads didn’t block all the shorter people, and Dan always sat so his left hand could easily get to the popcorn that always sat on Phil’s lap. Phil always held the popcorn. He did pay for it after all, so it was only fair. 

The showing they’d gone to was a matinee, so they were almost the only people there. They still preferred the back though—neck comfort, of course—so they were tucked away in a row by themselves, shrouded in the dark. The movie playing on the screen was loud, but shadowy and gritty so even the screen didn’t illuminate the front rows. Dan had eaten quite a bit of popcorn so far, occasionally reaching over to grab a handful from the bag in Phil’s lap. Then, he’d washed it down with a quick sip of Coke. It was nice and familiar—a set of motions he did on instinct.

Dan reached out for another bite of popcorn, eyes on the screen, and his hand fell right into Phil’s lap. Right between his legs. Fuck _.  _ Phil had moved the popcorn.

_ Fuck.  _

Dan inhaled sharply, but the shock somehow froze him instead of making him jump. His hand was just there, just laid right over Phil’s fly pressing into the rough denim, feeling the bulge beneath. God, Phil was so big, even when he wasn’t hard. 

_ Move your hand away, Dan. Move your fucking hand.  _

But it was like that voice of reason was trying to shout over the loud, almost deafening, white-noise in Dan’s brain, and  _ move your hand away _ , just became  _ move your hand _ .

Dan curled his fingers in, softly squeezing, and Phil’s cock started to swell beneath Dan’s touch.  _ God-fucking-damn.  _ That was hot, hot enough to have Dan reacting in a similar way. 

Phil let out a shaky, quiet breath through his lips. The only reason Dan could hear it at all was because they were so close. No one one else would be able to hear them, or be able to see them. Then, Dan’s mind caught up enough to just look over at Phil, to search out his face for permission. Phil’s face was blank.

_ Fuck. Fuck.  _ Dan had really gone and fucked up hard this time. 

He started to pull his hand away from Phil, but then he felt a cool hand on top of his—Phil’s hand—pushing Dan’s touch right back to where it had been. Right over Phil’s bulge. 

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut, his mouth going dry as he let out a trapped breath. Phil wanted this. Phil was asking him for it, and dammit Dan desperately wanted to give it to him.

Slowly, with his free hand, Dan pulled his jacket over Phil’s lap, just as a precaution, though he kept his left hand moving constantly, a gentle but determined rub and squeeze.

But, Phil, Phil had a big fucking cock and tight pants. It probably didn’t feel great to have all that trapped in his jeans, so Dan slowly slid his hand up, just enough to flick open the button above his fly. Thankfully, Phil had been too lazy to put on a belt because that would make a lot more noise, and the button was nearly silent and easy to undo even with Dan’s trembling fingers. 

Then, he tugged down the zipper. That would have made a quiet sound, but the movie’s soundtrack was swelling, so even Dan couldn’t hear it. Phil let out a breath that Dan could only guess was relief, probably from no longer having that tight pressure against his erection. 

There was only one thing to do after this. Dan found his heart pounding, found himself straining hard against his own jeans, but he wasn’t concerned about that now. He was concerned about this. About slipping his hand beneath the waistband of Phil’s boxers and wrapping his hand—for the very first time—around Phil’s hard cock.

And  _ fuck  _ he was doing this in a cinema. He was doing this with other fucking people in the fucking room. This was not how he’d seen this happened for the first time, but he figured, beggars couldn’t really be choosers. 

Phil’s cock felt large in Dan’s hand, though Dan’s fingers were still able to mostly reach around the width. Dan had never touched a cock that wasn’t his own before, never felt the warm, silky smoothness, the slight bump of the veins. He ran his hand up to Phil’s tip, over the foreskin, then ran his thumb through the slit. It was slick and wet, so Dan drew that out and down the shaft to help ease his way.

He wanted this to be good for Phil. So good. So he paid attention to the change in Phil’s breaths as slid his hand up and down. He paid attention to when Phil would tense and when he’d relax. He paid attention most of all to when Phil would seem to lose himself a little and buck up into Dan’s touch. He wanted Phil to lose himself a little in Dan, the way Dan always lost himself in Phil.

Dan wanted to know what Phil liked. He wanted to know what he didn’t. Wanted to know everything. He wished he could be the premiere expert in Phil like this, in Phil wanting and desperate, making little helpless thrusts into Dan’s tight slick grip. He loved it, loved every fucking thing about Phil like this.

When Dan’s wrist started to ache from the strange position, he scooted in closer to Phil. He could smell him now—like the sweet fruity body wash he used—and it just made Dan harder because this was Phil and Phil was bucking into his hand. Phil who he ate dinner with most nights and shared secrets with and folded laundry with. His Phil. His roommate. His best friend. His just-a-friend.

Phil’s breaths were coming quicker now, a sound Dan was already becoming familiar with. And, in the very, very dim light, Dan could see Phil biting at his bottom lip, eyes blinking, gentle and fluttering. He could feel him tensing and tensing and tensing, his whole body becoming more like bones than anything else, lovely and rigid and bare.

Dan loved that he was making Phil feel this way. 

Phil was close and the pride that Dan could tell that was like a hot light inside him. Dan leaned his head on Phil’s arm.

“God, Phil. That’s it.”

Phil just let out a whimper. “I’m… I’m…”

“Okay, okay.” Dan pulled away just enough to gather up some of napkins, so he could hold them at Phil’s tip.

Then, he went back to what he was doing, to those tugs and twists and quick slides of his thumb the kind Dan had already memorized that Phil loved. 

Phil drew in sharp, quick breaths and soft, matched whimpers. That hard, big, tense cock was pulsing in Dan’s hand. Phil was burying his face into Dan’s shoulder as he made small, helpless little noises and came into the cinema napkins.

“You’re okay,” Dan spoke softly. “That’s it. You’re okay.”

Reluctantly, Dan let go of Phil and tossed the napkins into the empty popcorn bag. Phil was still leaning on him though, still soft and pliant against Dan as he caught his breath.

Phil lifted his head and looked at Dan, who’d already been looking his way. Of course he was. There was nowhere else to look. Nothing to care about in Dan’s world but Phil and how he fit into it.

Phil looked beautiful in the barely-there light of the screen. His eyes were wide and his mouth slightly open. He looked surprised, but still nervous. Still Phil. Still everything Dan had ever wanted since he was a boy with a crush on a YouTuber that he’d never actually get to meet.

They were close now, so close, too close for Dan to do anything but what he did next.

Dan leaned forward and caught Phil’s soft lips with his own. The contact like a thousand fluttering wings inside Dan’s chest, like the primal shiver of creation. 

The kiss was a question in itself. A question answered by Phil kissing him back. It was just once—a single matching kiss— but Phil didn’t qualify it this time like he’d done on the Manchester Eye. Hadn’t stopped Dan from kissing him back.

So the kiss was just left there to be what it was. Enough. Enough to show Dan that things were going to be different for them this time. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

This was good. It was good to be able to kiss Phil, even if it wasn’t often. Of course, it would take some time to figure this all out. It was a big change for them or at least the start of the big change, and sometimes big changes were hard to talk about. Dan was okay with not talking about it. With just letting it be and grow however it naturally wanted to grow.

Some mornings, when Dan would meet Phil in the kitchen as he was making his coffee, Dan would lean in and place a little kiss on Phil’s lips. Some afternoons, when Phil was hunched over at the computer, tense from editing, Dan would lay hands on his shoulders and then duck down to share a simple kiss with Phil. Some evenings, they’d be sat on the sofa—a slight ache in their thumbs from the xbox controllers—and Dan would lean over and steal a kiss just to distract Phil from the game. 

Dan kept thinking that maybe that warm spark in his chest would dull, but it didn’t. It just kept growing and growing, shifting so it was never really the same, but it was always better, bigger. Dan couldn’t wait to see just how good it could get between them as they started to open up more, as they started to get to know each other better in this new way.

Dan had always been in love with Phil. Since they first started sending each other twitter DMs. Maybe even before then. Sure, Dan hadn’t known as much about Phil then, when he was just AmazingPhil, but he’d still known a part of Phil, a real part, and Dan thought it was safe to say that even if he hadn’t been able to fall in love with all of Phil back then, he had fallen—and hard—for even just that small glimpse.

And, as it had turned out, the rest of Phil was even easier to love than that small part. It was easy to love the way he’d get grumpy when he had to wear his glasses. Easy to love the way he loved his family, the way he genuinely liked them as people. It was easy to love the quiet way he cared about others. Easy to love those creative, inspiring thoughts he’d have that would make Dan ache to see the world as Phil could see it, even if just for a moment. 

It was hard to believe, after all this time, that maybe Phil was starting to feel for Dan what he felt for Phil. Dan knew he wasn’t easy to love—certainly not beyond his body—but there was a quiet hope now that Phil had done the hard work and figured out how to start to love someone as difficult to love as Dan was. 

Maybe he didn’t deserve it, but that didn’t stop him from wanting it. 

And, right now, he wanted Phil, and dinner. Phil and dinner. And maybe another small, tentative kiss. He could certainly go for that right now.

Dan slid off his bed, setting his laptop aside and headed to the kitchen.

“What do you want to make for dinner?” he asked Phil, who was facing the wall. 

Phil turned around and put a finger up to his lips. He had his cell phone held up to his cheek.

“Sorry,” Dan mouthed, then watched Phil closely, brow furrowed as Phil talked to whoever was on the other end of the line.

“Yes, that’s… thank you… and when would you like to see that by… great, yes, absolutely we can do that… uh huh, great. Yes, I’ll speak with him about it. No, thank you… thanks again.”

Dan could feel his heart beating faster in his chest, though he didn’t quite know why. He wasn’t sure who Phil was talking to, but there was a look on his face that Dan couldn’t parse between surprise and sadness all he knew was something was going on. Phil was full of a strong, nervous energy and Dan could feel it radiating off of him even from where he was standing on the other side of the kitchen.

“We’ll talk soon, yes,” Phil said. “Have a good rest of your day too. Goodbye.” Phil moved the phone away from his face.

“What?” Dan felt his voice crack. “Phil. Phil. What is it? What happened? Who is it?”

Phil didn’t say anything. He just rushed toward Dan and wrapped him in a hug, their chests thudding hard enough to knock some of the air out of Dan’s lungs. Dan smiled, even while he was tripping back. His arms came up to hold Phil tighter to him.

“Phil. You have to tell me what’s going on? Who was that?”

Phil pulled out of the hug just enough that he was looking Dan in the eye. A big smile broke out onto Phil’s face. Dan smiled back because he’d always smile back at Phil.

“That was BBC Radio 1, Dan. They want to pick up our show. Weekly.”

Dan’s mind went blank, then everything snapped back faster and brighter than before. This is what they’d wanted. What they’d come here to London to do. They’d put everything on that radio show and on them, and maybe this meant that Phil’s dad wouldn’t have to occasionally pay their utilities bill anymore. This was good. This was really fucking good. 

Dan leaned forward, capturing Phil’s mouth in a kiss. A kiss full of all the great things he was feeling right now. A kiss full of hope.

Phil was probably too stunned to kiss him right back, so Dan pulled their lips apart with a soft smack.

“Sor—“

But it was like Phil hadn’t even noticed the kiss had ended and he was still just in the middle of it, like he’d finally caught up, and his mouth was on Dan’s and Dan was kissing him back, letting their lips move, their tongues too—and this,  _ this  _ was the hottest kiss they’d ever had together. The hottest and the happiest.

Dan’s hands were pulling Phil in by the waist and Phil’s were around his back. They were pressed against he kitchen cabinets, just grasping at clothes and hair and bits of skin that felt so good and warm under Dan’s touch. 

They were moving suddenly and Dan wasn’t even sure which one of them had started, but it didn’t matter. This was a thing they were doing together. This kiss… this kiss that was letting him press the flat of his tongue against Phil’s, this kiss that was leaking through his body, waking up every last inch of him.

He wasn’t even sure how they’d managed to get here from the kitchen. But they were in the lounge and Phil was sitting down on the sofa. Dan knew what he wanted to do, what felt natural to do. He straddled Phil’s legs and leaned down for another kiss.

And that angle, it just made things slow down. It made that kiss go from something full of heat and spark to something languid. To something that let him feel everything. He loved the way Phil’s lips fit between his, loved knowing what the ridges of Phil’s teeth felt like on his tongue. Loved Phil’s hand on his back, balling Dan’s t-shirt into his fist.

This was good, this kiss. This moment between them, the slowing down of it. Dan was feeling warmth in his chest, a warmth that was just as good if not better than the heat. This was special, Dan thought, this moment. This was different—a shift—this was falling in love all over again.

Then, suddenly, the kiss changed. It was Phil who changed it. Phil who kissed back hard and deep, his teeth tugging at Dan’s lip as he pulled away.  _ Fuck.  _ Dan was young, and this was Phil. And now his mind was suddenly going  _ sex, sex, sex  _ like anyone could blame him.

Phil put a hand on Dan’s chest, pushed him back a little. For a moment, Dan thought he’d fucked up somehow and didn’t realize it because Phil wasn’t looking at him.

Gaze still turned away, Phil spoke quietly, “T-touch yourself?”

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut, his heart lurching. “Fuck.” He breathed out heavily, grinding down on Phil’s legs. “You want to watch?”

Phil’s tongue darted out and wet his lips. _ God, that’s sexy.  _ “Dan, just…”

Dan tugged his bottoms down, enough to let his already straining cock out, enough to let his balls out too. Nerves were prickling all across his skin. Maybe it was a silly thought, but he hoped Phil liked it. Hoped it turned Phil on.

Phil’s hands went to his hip and held him tight and down, like he didn’t want Dan to get away from him. Like he didn’t want any space between them. Dan understood that feeling.

Letting out a shaky breath, Dan wrapped a hand around his own cock. It was a  _ very  _ familiar feeling. If he knew how to do anything, it was this, but he wasn’t entirely sure how to make it look good to Phil. That was new territory, and he could feel his cheeks heating up as he started to slowly stroke his cock.

They’d gotten a little flirty on Skype back in the day. Dan had lifted his shirt to show his torso and one of his nipples—back when Dan had been so sure Phil wanted this, so sure Phil was at least attracted to him, even if he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that attraction would be enough to put up with the rest of Dan’s shit (and it hadn’t been) but now… now maybe Dan had earned the place in Phil’s heart he’d always wanted to occupy.

Dan squeezed his shaft and the contact of his tight fingers was enough to have him tossing his head back. A moan fell out of lips, loud enough he was almost embarrassed by it.. He was already so hard. It was so easy to get hard when he was looking at Phil looking at him, eyes wide, mouth slack. Phil rubbed his jaw and Dan pushed his hips down on Phil—a slow grinding movement.

It was incredible to feel Phil under him like that. His huge, hard bulge just felt so good, a reminder of how Dan was making him feel, how Dan was making him ache and want. Dan was almost delirious with it—with the thought that he could turn Phil on. Could make Phil hard.

With one hand around his own cock, Dan slid his other up Phil’s thigh. He wanted to see his cock again, wanted his hand on it, wanting to bring them both off with his fingers at the same time.

One of Phil’s hands jumped from Dan’s waist to Dan’s wrist. It was tight—not painful—but  _ tight  _ in a sexy kind of way that made Dan flush all over.

“Phil…” Dan breathed out.

“Just want to watch.”

Dan swallowed. He guessed it was only fair. Dan had been left with an aching hard on after the movies.

As Dan went back to stroking himself, Phil kept that solid grip on Dan’s wrist, and Dan just went for it—went for all the things he liked—slow long tugs, gently playing with his foreskin, dipping his finger into the slit and pulling out drops of pre-come to ease the way.

Dan felt exposed like this, touching himself in front of Phil, who was just watching—the bright lights on in the living room. Phil could see everything and Dan could see Phil seeing everything. It was terrifying and exhilarating and Dan had waited so long for this.

His heart was pounding. His body pulling tight as he gulped in long desperate breaths.

“God, Phil,” Dan said, a little deliriously. “Phil, Phil…”

Phil was red-faced and he was bucking up into Dan suddenly, his hands were on Dan’s hips again, holding him down hard. Maybe Phil hadn’t wanted Dan to touch him, but now he was pulling Dan in and Dan’s legs were awkwardly crammed up against the sofa.

Dan could feel it, could feel himself growing close, and he had just the right amount of thought left to lean back again, so Phil could watch him come.

Dan let out a broken gasp as pleasure surged through him and he spilled all over his fist and his shirt and dribbled down on Phil’s jeans. Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _

Hanging his head, his body exhausted, Dan tried to catch his breath, tried to get his limbs to function as limbs again instead of the jelly they’d become. Dan was a mess, so he started to roll off Phil, when Phil’s grip tightened again, pulling him back in even tighter. It knocked the air out of Dan’s lungs again, as Phil held Dan to his body and bucked into him. His hand splayed against Dan’s back Phil grunted and rutted against him.

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil muttered. “Sorry, Dan. Fuck.”

Phil’s thrusts slowed and so did his breaths, and Dan was pretty damn sure Phil had just come in jeans. 

They stayed there like that for a while, their bodies lying against each other. It was a little awkward and very uncomfortable and Dan and never wanted to move less in his entire life. He was spent and happy in the best possible way. 

“I need to…” Phil said softly, and tried to roll out from underneath him.

Dan grumbled. He didn’t want Phil to move, but he let Phil nudge him off. They did both need to clean up anyway. Dan was still relaxed on the sofa when Phil stood up and walked out.

Eventually, Dan stood up too and went to his room, his mind still buzzed with the excitement of what just happened. And it wasn’t  _ just  _ the stuff they’d done together. It was the stuff that had happened before and lead to it. They’d done it.

They’d gotten full time fucking jobs with the BBC. He hadn’t even taken the time to really think about it. They were going be BBC Radio 1 DJs. This was huge. He didn’t have to have that feeling anymore that pit in his stomach and that dark cloud in his mind that liked to tell him he’d made a mistake leaving uni and moving to London. 

Dan laid there on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, thinking that this was one of the best days of his entire life.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

“You want to go out to dinner tonight?” Phil asked as he walked into the lounge. 

Dan looked up from his laptop and smiled. Phil’s hair was mussy and he was still in his pajamas though it was two in the afternoon. Dan loved that they were both night owls. He wasn’t sure what he’d do with a boyfriend that was like a morning person who went on jogs or something.  _ And whoa, where did that thought come from?  _ Phil was not Dan’s boyfriend, right? Not yet, at least. Whatever, he thought, they didn’t need labels.

“Uh, Dan? Dinner?” Phil prompted again.

“Right, sorry mate. Yeah, we should do it. Where do you want to go?”

“Sushi maybe.”

Sushi was nice. Sushi wasn’t grabbing a quick bite. Was this a date? But no, of course not. They had gone out and eaten sushi together before plenty of times. They’d even gone to nice dinners because they spent most of their time together and they liked good food. But they’d never gone out for sushi when they were sometimes kissing, sometimes more. Sushi felt different now. Sushi felt important. 

“Dan… are you alright?” Phil’s brow was furrowed now. It was a cute furrow. Dan wasn’t sure how someone could have a cute furrow but— “ _ Dan. _ ”

“Shit.” Dan shook his head again. “I’m so out of it. But sushi would be great. I got to edit a video later, but then after that. Like 8:30.”

“Yeah,” Phil said. “Sounds good. I’m going to go hop in the shower.”

Sushi  _ and  _ a shower? Maybe it really was a date… but of course not. It wasn’t like Phil was lax on his hygiene anyway. It wasn’t like this was unusual. Sometimes Dan worried he was seeing more there than there was, like he had back in 2009, but then he remembered Phil hadn’t kissed him back in 2009. And it wasn’t like he thought they were just going to go looking at china patterns for the wedding tomorrow. Dan was just letting this thing between them grow as quickly or even as slowly as it wanted to.

 

That night Dan paid attention to what he was wearing, more so than usual. He put on the black jeans he felt the best in and a black t-shirt. He felt comfortable in black, confident. And then he put in his black studs and ran a straightener through his fringe one last time. 

Ever since they’d found out about the radio show—Dan still couldn’t fucking believe it—they’d kept being physical with each other. It wasn’t exactly consistent, but it happened. They’d be watching tv and, all of a sudden, they’d both have their hands in their pants. They’d get a little tipsy and wind up rutting against each other on the couch. And Dan would be lying if he said he hadn’t gotten Phil off with his hand a couple times too.

They hadn’t talked about it though. Maybe tonight was the night to talk about it.

When Dan left his bedroom, he collided into Phil in the hallway. Dan put hands on Phil’s chest to steady himself out. That level of contact knocked the air out of his lungs. His throat constricted, his face flushed hot. It was always so much to have Phil so close to him. 

Their faces were just inches apart and Dan desperately wanted to close the distance between them. There was nothing like that too-good surging feeling that always accompanied kissing Phil. But Dan had a feeling that if he kissed Phil it wouldn’t just be one kiss. It would lead to another and then another and their bodies rocking together, building to something wonderful… Dan wanted that, but he needed sushi. He needed dinner and talking and  _ more  _ than just trading touches in the dark. 

Slowly, Dan slipped his hands away from Phil and let out a breath as he turned. 

“Sorry,” he said, his voice made low by the desire brewing inside him. The desire he was pushing aside for the sake of what this dinner was. Well, what it maybe was. What it had the potential to be. Even if Phil isn’t intending it as a date, maybe by the end of the night, Phil could feel it as a date, feel like maybe there was potential for more than stolen moments in the dark.

“It’s… okay,” Phil sounded breathy. It was a sexy sound. “You ready to go?”

Dan nodded. He could still feel heat in his cheeks. “Let’s go.”

 

This was Dan’s favorite sushi place. It was never super busy, despite being really good, which meant they were able to get a table that was private enough that Dan felt comfortable that they wouldn’t be overheard if they spoke.

As Phil was struggling with his chopsticks, Dan reached over to help him out. He placed his fingers on Phil’s and Phil dropped the chopsticks, drawing in an audible sharp breath.

“Sorry,” Dan said. “Just looked like you need help.”

Phil gave him a soft smile. “You’re okay. You just startled me.”

“I know. You’re easily startled, mate. You’re like a little nervous bunny.”

“Hey.” Phil shot him a glare, but there wasn’t any heat in it. It had always been easy to banter with Phil, even when everything else between them was hard. 

Phil readjusted his grip on the chopsticks and finally managed to get a roll into his mouth though it had been a wobbly situation. 

Dan bit his lip as Phil chewed on the sushi. God, he was cute with his cheeks puffed out like that. Looking at Phil always made Dan feel so warm. Phil had become synonymous with home over the last few years. Even if they’d always just been friends, the home they’d built together was the first home that Dan felt really belonged to him. It was home in a way he’d never experienced before. Dan was eternally grateful for that.

As they ate dinner, they slipped into easy conversation. Even if there were topics they avoided with each other—more and more these days, it seemed—talking had always been easy. They always had something to say to each other, and they were always more than happy to listen to anything the other had to say. Dan loved to watch Phil’s face light up when he would talk excitedly about something he cared about. 

Dan remembered back before they’d met in person Phil would get that same face when they’d talk about each other. His eyes would get a little wider and his words would speed up as he talked about hanging out or making videos together when they actually met. Sometimes Dan missed the innocence of that time, the excitement, and what Dan had thought was leading to something more between them than friendship. He smiled. He guessed it had eventually led there. It had taken a while, but it had. Finally. That was fine with Dan. Phil was worth waiting for.

“What?” Phil said, pulling Dan from his thoughts. He’d been caught up in his thoughts a lot recently.

“What?” Dan replied back.

“I don’t know,” Phil said a little quietly. “You’re smiling. What are you smiling about?”

Dan’s cheeks heated up. He wasn’t sure if he should admit it, but maybe it was the perfect segue between talking about movies and video games to talking about  _ this.  _ To talking about them.

“I’m just… I don’t…”  _ Just admit it Dan. Now’s your chance.  _ “I was thinking about you.”

“Oh,” Phil said. Dan couldn’t read the tone.

“Sorry?” He phrased it like a question because it was a question. Dan wasn’t sure if he needed to be sorry or not. 

“I didn’t mean… I’m just not really worth a smile like that Dan,” Phil said quietly. 

One difference Dan knew about Phil that the rest of the world didn’t--AmazingPhil was secure. Phil Lester had almost enough insecurities to match Dan’s. Almost but not quite—and unlike with Dan—with Phil, those insecurities were all misplaced.

“You are,” Dan said easily.  _ You’re the only thing that is. _

Phil smiled a smile back at Dan that Dan imagined to be not unlike the one he had smiled at Phil just moments earlier. Dan couldn’t help but take advantage of their isolated table and he reached under the table to lay a hand on Phil’s knee. Phil stiffened beneath his touch, but didn’t pull away.

Phil bit his lip, then spoke quietly, “Not here, Dan.”

His stomach sank a little, but Dan pulled his touch away. Phil was probably right anyway. Even if they were together, they needed to figure this thing out more before there was any chance of other people finding out what was happening between them. 

They finished up dinner and headed back to their flat together. Their hands were tucked into their pockets but they were still walking close enough their arms would bump into each other on the way. It was nice and casual—normal—but normal was good. Dan loved his life with Phil. He didn’t want to change just because they were kissing and touching and all those things. He wanted his life with Phil  _ plus  _ — and if he played his cards right—maybe, just maybe, he could get it.

“Oh my God!” came a voice behind them.

Dan stopped abruptly, and Phil jumped. 

“Oh my God,” the voice said again. “Are you? You’re Dan and Phil.”

Dan now caught on to the source of the voice as the person it belonged to approached them. It was a teenage girl with glasses and bobbed hair. She was grinning.

“Hi!” Phil said excitedly and approached the girl with a hug. “How are you?” 

She hugged him back enthusiastically, and when she was done she moved over to Dan and he gave her a side-hug. He was never as good at the hugging strangers who approach you on the street aspect as Phil was, and weirdly that was something he’d gotten less comfortable with over the years, rather than more comfortable like he had with a lot of the other aspects of being a youtuber. 

“I just love your channels!” the girl said. “You’re both like seriously the best.”

“Thank you for putting up with us, honestly,” Dan replied.

The girl laughed and then just said, “Can I have a picture?”

They agreed and Dan took the girl’s phone and took the picture. She took the phone back from Dan, and gave them both another hug.

“Thank you. Ah, I can’t believe this.”

“Thanks for watching our channels,” Phil said with that genuinely happy laugh that always made Dan feel better. “We’re this way.” Phil nodded his head not exactly towards their flat but sort of in a general.

“I’m the other,” the girl replied.

“It was good to meet you,” Dan said. It was always so hard to end these conversations because sometimes their viewers wanted to keep talking to them, but there really wasn’t all that much to say.

“Uh, yeah. You too,” the girl said, and then finally turned and in walked the direction she’d come from.

Dan and Phil both walked a ways down the road before Phil let out a breath, “You’d think that would get less weird eventually.”

“At least you handle it better than I do.”

“You handle it fine, Dan.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“I know, but you do. You really do,” Phil said. It was classic Phil support, the kind of overwhelming love and kindness that had drawn Dan to Phil in the first place, but there was something off to it tonight. There was a tension in Phil’s voice.

“Hey Phil… is everything, um, alright?”

“Of course it is. Why?”

“You just sounded… I don’t know… off?”

“Sorry. I think I’m just tired.” Phil yawned. “All the blood is in my stomach digesting the sushi.”

“Oh,” Dan said softly. “That’s what it is?”

Phil nodded. “Mm-hmm.”

“Okay, dork. Whatever you say.” Dan bumped into Phil’s arm. Then, following a moment of silence, he said, “I’m glad I have you, Phil. You’re my best friend. Like  _ the  _ best, but I guess you know that. I don’t know. I’m just glad I have us, you know?” Dan was suddenly super nervous and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Me too, Dan,” Phil replied with a sigh. “I’m glad we have us.”

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

London was experiencing a cold spell. Dan knew if he told people on the internet about it most of them would probably just tell him something like “stop complaining. it’s -12,989 degrees here.”  _ Like where? At the North Pole? Does fucking Santa Claus watch my videos?  _ Normally, Dan preferred the cold—Winter was probably his favorite season—but this was too much.

It was absolutely freezing, and it felt like it was freezing even when they had the heat turned up pretty high—it couldn’t be  _ that  _ high, Phil had said. Until they started getting regular paychecks from the BBC, they’d still be using Phil’s parent’s credit card to pay their utilities bill. And the wall radiators they had had nothing on heating vents that could blow hot air in your face. Dan wished he had a heating vent to lie in front of right now. He knew Phil did too. Neither Dan nor Phil wanted to go outside. They’d basically turned their flat into a den of protection from the elements. 

It was a little stifling not being able to go out, but it was also fun in a way. They were spending their days drinking instant hot chocolate and huddling together while they played video games until their thumbs were sore. And yeah, sometimes, they’d get bored of bingeing on Netflix or planning new videos, and they’d end up tugging each other’s cocks. Dan would never forget the first time it happened.

The first time they’d been trying to decide what to do next and Phil had silently, slowly, slid his hand into Dan’s pants. Phil’s cool hand around his cock was incredible—and the thought that he’d wanted to do that, to touch Dan like  _ that.  _ It had been a struggle to not immediately come in Phil’s grasp. But Dan had fought past it and crossed his arm under Phil’s and they’d brought each other off together. 

It was hot.

It never stopped being hot.

Except for how it was cold, it was really fucking cold in their flat. And Dan was spending his nights lying alone in bed. That night was no different. They didn’t have that many extra blankets. He missed that closet of patchwork quilts he’d raid every time he was sleeping over at his gran’s. They needed a closet like that because it was super uncomfortable to sleep in a lot of clothes, which Dan had tried the first few nights then given up on. Instead, Dan was wearing nothing but some shorts (he hated the way pajamas would bunch up his legs when he was trying to sleep). So Dan was shivering and tossing and turning underneath his duvet. He was thinking that maybe he should get out of bed and put on some clothes, despite it being uncomfortable, when he heard his bedroom door squeak open.

Dan jumped and let out a gasp because it was dark and he’d never really liked the dark.

“S-sorry,” Phil said. “It’s just me.”

Dan let out a breath, trying to to relax, but the jolt of adrenaline still had his heart pounding really hard. “Phil, what are you… are you okay?”

“Yeah, uh, just, like, are you really cold too or…?”

_ Am I cold? Really, Phil?  _ “Yeah, mate. I’m freezing my tits off.”

The faint light coming in from the streetlights outside allowed Dan to see Phil faintly in the doorway. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and his pajamas were slung low on his hips, low enough he could see that soft line of dark hair. Dan swallowed, and he was suddenly feeling a bit warmer.

Phil rubbed at the back of his neck. “So, uh, I don’t know. I was thinking that maybe like, because it’s cold, uh, body heat and all that.”

_ Body heat.  _ That just gave Dan butterflies—butterflies that seemed determined to flutter lower and lower until their wings were on fire.

“Oh, yeah, God, of course, please.” Dan threw back the covers, immediately regretting how eager he sounded. He didn’t want Phil to think he was expecting anything from him just because they were sleeping in a bed together.

_ Oh God.  _ They were going to sleep in a bed together. A bed. Together.

Even though things had kept going between them, Dan wouldn’t say they’d progressed—not that he really knew what that meant. Things didn’t really need to progress. They were good, like this, better than they had ever been. The radio show was going to start up soon, their subscriber counts were going up, their friendship was still this incredible thing it had always been, and now he could kiss Phil, and sometimes more. Dan wasn’t complaining. He didn’t want anyone to think he was complaining, but this  _ was  _ new. Sleeping in bed together. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t really fucking excited about it.

“Okay, cool.” Phil moved slowly towards Dan’s bed and slid under the covers. “Thanks. My nipples were about to freeze off.”

Without thinking, Dan reached over and tweaked one.

Phil let out a sharp gasp. 

He was immediately struck with fear. Why did he do that? God, what was wrong with him?

“Hey,” Phil said, but it was soft, friendly.

“Just checking to make sure you still had them.”

In the dim light, with Phil’s face so close, Dan could make out his eyes narrowed underneath his glasses which were askew on his face. Gently, Dan grabbed Phil’s glasses and slipped them off his nose.

“You’re gonna fuck em up like you did your last pair if you sleep in them.” Dan sat the glasses on his side table. He remembered Phil always complaining about falling asleep in them and how they got twisted up.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil’s voice was so low. 

“Yes, Phil.”

“It’s still cold.”

Dan laughed softly. “Yes, yes it is.”

There was a moment of silence, of stillness, and then Dan felt Phil shift closer to him on the bed. Only a few inches separated them now. 

“Hi,” Dan said.

Phil smiled that perfect soft Phil smile that Dan had fallen in love with over and over again, then he tucked his duvet up under his chin. He yawned.

“You’re a sleepy Phil.”

Phil nodded, his eyes shut and scooted down a little and then huddled even closer to Dan. “Mm-hmm.”

Dan wasn’t sure what to do, but it was still cold and Phil  _ had  _ said he’d come in here to warm up. There was one really good way to do that. Slowly, Dan lifted his hand and began to trace circles near Phil’s shoulder. Phil didn’t tense or pull away. He moved into the touch. This made Dan relax too. He stopped tracing and laid his hand flat against Phil’s arm, then shifted a little so he was more on his back. He was hoping for a more comfortable way to hold his arm. He hadn’t expected Phil to just make a sleepy noise and curl in even closer—his head on Dan’s chest.

“Mmm…” Phil mumbled. “You’re warm.”

“Thanks.” Dan’s eyes shut and he played gently with the hair at Phil’s neck.

Finally, with them close together like that, it was warm.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you uhh want to pretend this isn't the prequel to my fic "disturb the universe" you can stop reading at the phrase "bigger than words" and just live your life happily--for everyone else, good luck. "enjoy" the final few chapters

Dan was groggy when he woke up. He yawned and blinked the sleep out of his eyes as he tried to adjust to being here, in the present, and not in his dreams. It was a more difficult adjustment than usual as he had an arm over his waist and warm breath on his neck—things that were only usually present in his subconscious fantasies. But they were here now. For real. The arm. The breath—and something else. Solid and large and pressed against his ass.

Dan’s mouth went dry, and his eyes fluttered shut. He wanted nothing more than to rock back against that hardness and hope that Phil rocked into him. Sought out that perfect rhythm with him. Dan wanted it so badly, so goddamn fucking badly, that he was doing it, just _doing it_ , before he realized what exactly he _was_ doing. Just slowly, rhythmically, grinding back against Phil. Before he could stop himself, one of Phil’s hands gripped his waist tight, holding him still.

Fear struck through Dan. A fear that pushed hard against him like a panic. Had he fucked up? And how badly? But he wasn’t able to go too deeply into his spiral before Phil let out a warm groan and then pulled Dan in tighter. Tighter and tighter. Pull and press. Pull and press.

God, he loved this. Was starting to live for it, a little bit.

Dan couldn’t take it. The red-hot heat building under the covers. The not-looking at Phil when he so desperately wanted to look at Phil, to see those pale lips and those striking eyes and that wonderfully curved nose. Dan rolled over so they were face to face.

Phil looked down and away, like it was too much. Dan knew the feeling, but it wasn’t too much. It was just the right amount of _much_ . Maybe it was bold, but Dan couldn’t have Phil tucking away from him. Not right now. He pushed Phil’s gaze back to his with fingers under Phil’s chin. He wanted Phil not just to look but to see. To really, truly see him. Him and them. _Together._

Dan scooted in even closer and rutted his hips against Phil’s, feeling their cocks rubbing together through thin fabric. Phil shivered—a wonderful, full body thing that Dan could feel. Dan _needed_ and he couldn’t help but lean in and press his mouth to Phil’s. Morning breath be damned, Dan kissed Phil deep and long, their tongues sweeping against each other. Their hips just kept moving together. That friction was too good to resist. Dan never wanted to resist again.

Phil shuddered and dropped his head down into the crook of Dan’s neck. He kept on with his heavy breathing and Dan’s blood was rushing all through him, fast enough he swore he could feel it moving. Phil had this ability to light up every bit of Dan—to make him want and crave in a way he hadn’t known was even possible.

It was sexy and slow, what was happening between them. He loved being with Phil like this. In bed, with the slight morning light leaking in through the window. This was good, this was everything he had dreamed of for so long. When Phil lifted his head again they were kissing like it was natural, like it was normal. Dan desperately wanted it to become their normal. He hoped—and was starting to believe—that Phil did too.

Their lips broke apart with a wet smack and now they weren’t kissing. They were just half-naked hot bodies sharing their breaths between them as they rocked into each other over and over and over again.

Dan hooked his fingers into Phil’s pajamas and slowly started tugging down until Dan could get his hand around Phil’s cock. That big, straining wonderful cock. It felt so fantastically hot against his palm, his fingers struggling to wrap all the way around him. God, he was huge.

When Phil tugged down Dan’s shorts, and matched him, wrapping those slender fingers around his cock, Dan let out a broken gasp. It was sharp enough, desperate enough, that the sound ached in his throat.

Phil was touching him again. Sliding his hand up and down and up and down, his thumb pressing into the slit, exploring the foreskin. God, it was good. God, it was fucking everything. Phil’s hand on Dan and Dan’s hand on Phil—a shared rising pleasure.

Dan could see Phil getting close. Could measure the small gasps, and the tensing of his jaw and the bite of his teeth into his bottom lip. This was Phil Lester close to orgasm. It was beautiful and sexual and dirty in all the ways that got Dan absolutely loved.

Dan was close too. He wondered if Phil knew he was close the way that Dan knew Phil was close. Because it was no surprise to Dan when Phil let out a string of “oh fuck, oh God, oh fuck” and came hot and fast all over Dan’s hand.

Phil kept his hand moving on Dan all the way through his own orgasm, and that—just that he cared like that—was enough to tip Dan over the edge, for him to let Phil’s name fall out of his mouth over and over and over again.

_Phil. Phil. Phil._

He wondered if there had ever been a word that wasn’t Phil.

They both found their breath again, and Phil was smiling at Dan. It was a bright, wonderful smile that hit Dan just like standing under the sun.

“What?” Dan asked, quietly. “What is it?”

“Good morning, Dan.”

“Good morning.” He laughed.

“We should probably go clean up. We’re both really fucking sticky.”

Dan laughed even more. He was so happy. Like a happiness that rattled him all the way down to his bones.

They got out of bed and wiped off their hands on Dan’s sheets and then yanked them off the mattress. Phil gathered the sheets up in his arms and carried them off to the laundry machine. Dan pulled on a hoody and then headed out to the kitchen to start up some coffee.

When Phil came into the kitchen, Dan handed him the mug of coffee just how he liked it.

Phil took a sip and smiled. “Want to make some cereal and watch anime?”

“Sounds like an unproductive morning,” Dan replied.

Phil’s brow furrowed. “Oh well we could—”

“Phil, you flop. I’m kidding. Cereal and anime sounds like the perfect morning.”

So that’s what they did. They ate cereal and watched anime with their bodies pressed together on the sofa. Eventually, they worked and went to get coffee, and took some calls from the BBC and Dan kissed Phil a few times throughout the day like that was a normal thing to do because he guessed that now it was a normal thing to do. Kissing Phil. Those perfect lips, that perfect man, just there in the way Dan had always dreamed he could be there.

It was still cold enough that that night when they were getting ready to go to bed, they didn’t want to go to bed separately. Though, as they crawled under the covers—this time Phil’s—Dan had a feeling it was about more than the cold because they slipped into each other’s space immediately. It was a gift, Dan thought, to be able to bury his nose into Phil’s soft hair, breathe in the scent of his shampoo. A gift to be able to splay his fingers across Phil’s bare chest and play with the soft design of hair there.

It had never been easy for Dan to fall asleep, but he found himself slipping away from the nippy air of Phil’s bedroom and into his own head much faster than usual. He was pretty sure, though, that Phil had fallen away even faster. Dan hoped that he brought Phil comfort in much the same way Phil brought him comfort.

They woke up together again—though this time they were much too hungry for hands down each other’s pants. So they crawled out of bed and ate breakfast and spent the day together and then when they were tired, they dragged themselves back to bed. Together. And that was how they spent the rest of that week. They would occasionally find themselves wanking off together or sharing kisses or helping each other out with their morning wood. It was good. So goddamn good.

They didn’t talk about it, though. Not really. They didn’t need to.

It was bigger than words.

 

 

Phil was snoring one morning when the door buzzer went off. Dan gently shoved Phil, and he didn’t wake so Dan nudged him again.

“Phil,” he whispered. “The buzzer.”

The buzzer went off again.

Phil woke this time, but only replied with some incoherent babbling.

“ _Phil.”_ Dan whined. He was cozy and didn’t want to get out of bed. “I didn’t order anything. I know it’s yours.”

The only response Dan got was for Phil to shimmy deeper into the covers, pulling the duvet up to his ears.

Dan let out a sigh, then rolled out of bed. He pulled the pair of joggers he’d been wearing the night before. He couldn’t find his t-shirt, so he pulled one out of Phil’s closet and tugged it on. He hurried out of Phil’s bedroom, and down to the front door where the buzzer was still going off.

This had to be the most insistent postman Dan had ever encountered.

“I’m coming. I’m coming,” Dan shouted, hoping the postman could hear because, this early in the morning, Dan was getting really sick of that buzzing.

Finally, he got to the bottom of the steps and opened the front door.

It wasn’t the postman. It was a woman—probably not too much older than him—with strawberry blonde hair and tear streaks down her cheeks. Her arms were wrapped around her just underneath her rib cage. She was pretty. It was a strange thought to have under the circumstances, but he couldn’t help it because she _really was_.

“Uh,” Dan finally managed. “Can I help you?”

“Is Phil here? Phil Lester.”

“Who are you?”

She let out a breath. “Is he here?”

“Yes, but—“

“Let me in. I need to talk to him.”

Now, Dan was starting to feel defensive. “Look, you really have to tell me who you are and what you want? I don’t know you.”

She looked straight at him. There was something angry there, something terrified. “You want to fucking know who I am? You want to know why I’m here?” She let out a huff, tucked her shoulders back. “My name’s June…” She slowly pulled something out the purse strapped across her chest. _A pregnancy test._ “I’m pregnant and I really fucking need to talk to Phil.”


	9. Chapter 9

Dan was in shock—total shock—as he stepped out of the way to let this woman into their flat. He vaguely remembered her name, like a passing white-noise he’d blocked out. He knew it had been months since he heard it. But here she was. In his house. A pregnancy test in hand. A _pregnancy_ test.

“Just, uh, you can wait here,” Dan said, his voice flat as he gestured toward the sofa.

He started to walk towards the bedrooms to get Phil, when he paused and looked back at June and her tear-stained cheeks. He was lightheaded, like his heart had forgotten how to pump blood through his body.

Eventually, he tore his gaze away and robotically moved his body to Phil’s room. He drew in a deep breath and laid a trembling hand against the door before he pushed it open. Phil was sat on the edge of his bed, he was bare-chested and his glasses were slid down his nose. He looked gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous, and Dan was a terrible person—a terrible person—because all he wanted to do was crush his mouth to Phil’s. There was a universe where he could do that right now. Where it had just been an Amazon delivery and he could have come back to this room to straddle Phil’s thighs, push him back against the bed and just let themselves go as far as they wanted.

That wasn’t this universe.

“Dan?” Phil’s head was titled. “Are you okay? You don’t look okay?”

He didn’t feel okay. He felt like he was going to pass out. He couldn’t manage to get any words out at all.

“Dan?”

“There’s someone here to see you.”

Phil pulled back in surprise. “Who?”

Dan’s mouth was so dry he could barely speak. “Someone named June.”

Phil’s eyes went wide. “What? Why? Why would she be here?” He stood up from the bed.

“You should get dressed and go talk to her.” Dan wasn’t sure what to do here. Wasn’t sure if it was his place to tell Phil or if he needed to let June do it. How was he supposed to know what to do?

“Okay…” Phil stood and walked to his dresser. He pulled on a pair of jeans , then tugged on a t-shirt. Dan just stood there silently watching him. “Is she alright?”

“I… I don’t know how to answer that.”

Phil gave him a puzzled look. “What?”

Dan let out a shaky breath. “I… I don’t know if I should say anything or if I should let her—”

“Please tell me what’s going on, Dan. You’re freaking me out a little.”

_You should be freaked out._

“ _Dan._ ” Phil sounded desperate now, a little scared. Something about that grounded Dan enough to force the words out of his mouth.

“Phil… I’m not, I’m not at all sure how to tell you this… oh God, fuck, Phil.” _Just say it. just fucking say it, Dan. It’s real whether you say it or not._ “She says she’s pregnant.”

Phil just stared back at him, blank-faced. So blank-faced Dan wasn’t even entirely sure that Phil had heard him.

“Phil did you—”

“I heard you.”

“Okay, so you need to go talk to her.”

Phil blinked, still blank-faced. “Yeah… yeah.”

“She’s in the lounge.”

Phil nodded and then started to walk past Phil. He looked terrified and Dan didn’t blame him. He reached out for Phil’s hand as he passed just to give it a comforting squeeze. Dan took hold of his fingers and squeezed tight, but Phil didn’t really react to it. He just kept walking. He seemed totally out of it. Dan also didn’t blame him for that. He was pretty out of it himself.

Dan just stood there for a moment, his feet rooted to the floor. He knew he should probably stay that way, stay put and let Phil have his privacy with June, but he couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t perfect and he just had to know, so he quietly crept down the hallway. He was careful to stay out of sight but he could still hear them speaking.

“You said you were on birth control,” Phil said.

“I was. I don’t know what happened. If I forgot one day… or I don’t know. I wish I knew.”

“I don’t mean this like… but…”

“It’s yours, Phil. Not that it’s exactly your business, but you’re the only person I’ve had sex with in over a year.”

“Oh, okay.”

June let out a heavy breath. “I’m not telling you this to cause you trouble or whatever. I’m not. But I thought you deserved to know and maybe take some responsibility for your child. I don’t know. If you want proof, you can have a paternity test. I honestly don’t care. I know it’s yours, and it’s not like we know each other well enough for me to be that offended. I should go.”

“June, wait… you’re pregnant?”

She let out a broken laugh. “Yeah, Phil, I am.”

“How can I help you? What do you need?”

“This is your baby, Phil, and I’d like you to be a part of their life. That’s up to you though—and I mean… it’s fine. We’ll be fine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I should go, but I, uh, I don’t have my cell phone anymore so you can call this number…”

“Why don’t you have your cell phone anymore?” Phil asked.

“It’s… it doesn’t. It’s fine,” June replied.

“Please tell me.”

There was a long pause and then, “My parents were paying for it and most of my expenses actually, including university and… my apartment.”

“You only work part-time,” Phil said, like he was remembering something.

“I’m looking for a full-time job.”

“Where are you living?” Phil asked.

The question was met with silence.

“June?”

“A women’s shelter. It’s fine.”

 _Shit._ Dan leaned his head back against the wall. _Fuck._

“What? Why isn’t your family… I don’t understand,” Phil said.

“They’re… they have very specific ideas about how people should live and getting pregnant out of ‘the bonds of marriage’ is not one of them.”

“So they’re just letting you… they don’t even care?”

“I’m an adult, Phil. I should be able to take care of myself, right? Look, I should go.”

Dan could hear June start to walk away, and he didn’t hear Phil follow her. Dan peeked around the corner to see Phil standing there. Dan walked out to meet him in the lounge.

Their eyes met and locked.

“Dan, I…”

He could barely believe he was saying this, but that girl was pregnant with Phil’s baby and she’d been totally abandoned by her parents who she’d been relying on and she was living in a fucking shelter and that was _Phil’s baby._

“You should go after her,” Dan said.

“I can’t just let her…”

“I know.” Dan nodded. “Go.”

“Yeah… yeah,” Phil said, then turned to leave Dan alone in the lounge.

 

It was a while before Phil came back… a _long_ while, of just pacing around the floor. Mostly it was just numbness, like the blood in his veins had been replaced with television static. It was that, and then it was moments, when the static would stop, and he was hit with a cold and painful clarity. Phil had gotten someone pregnant. Every single thing about Phil’s life was going to change, and by extension, much of Dan’s would too. That was to say nothing of the woman that Phil was probably bringing back right now to their house. What did this mean for—

Dan hated himself for thinking about that, but how could he not? Things had been different between them. Still hesitant, still uncertain, but growing and warming. He couldn’t be sure what this would do to his relationship with Phil—and that scared him—because he was in love with Phil.

It was the kind of in-love that seemed everywhere to Dan—a thing that went on long before him and would keep going on long after. Like a sound wave out there in the universe that would widen and widen but never really go away. He loved Phil like that.

And Phil was having a baby with someone else.

The static came back—and on and on and on in what felt like an endless loop.

Then, finally, Dan heard the door open, and the sound of Phil’s voice, and the sound of softer voice replying.

They passed into the lounge. Phil was dragging a suitcase that definitely didn’t belong to him.

June gave Dan a small smile. “Sorry I’m imposing, but thank you for letting me.”

“Yeah, of course.”

She looked at Phil. “You have a good flatmate, Phil.”

“Yeah, I do,” Phil replied, not looking at Dan. “It’s this way,” he said to June, and they walked off toward Phil’s room.

Dan stood there, waiting for them to get out of sight and then he sat down on the sofa and emptied his lungs completely so they felt like the rest of him. Hollowed out. He leaned forward, dropping his head into his hands and rubbed his tired eyes.

Why was life so goddamn hard sometimes?

Dan wasn’t sure how much time passed—this entire day had seemed an exercise in time being nothing but a construct—but eventually June and Phil came back in. They made some forced small chat for a while, but there was an baby-shaped elephant in the room and it made every word that came out of any of their mouths feel stilted.

Dan tried really hard not to judge June—not to have any kind of feeling about her at all. It was easier that way, and probably a more accurate representation of reality than anything his mind would dream up about her right now, but he couldn’t help it. She seemed a little cold, a little sharp-edged, like someone who’d never meant to end up like this and was bitter that she had ended up like this. Pregnant and dependent on the help of two practical strangers.

_What had Phil seen in her? Well, besides her looks…_

Logically, somewhere in his muddled mind, Dan knew that wasn’t a fair thought or a complete one. It was a thought fueled by the situation. He and Phil were in the middle of getting their new relationship up off the ground and she was a wrench thrown into an already fragile machine.

What did she want from Phil anyway? She’d just said she wanted support for the baby—which Phil would want to give his own kid—and for Phil to be present in their life—again, something Phil would want too. She hadn’t said anything else, but there was niggling something in the back of his mind that told him that maybe she’d get the wrong idea about what she could have with Phil, especially with her staying here.

_She can’t have it. She can’t._

Dan wasn’t sure how much Phil had talked to June about their relationship yet. It was probably too much for her to take in right at the moment. She had called Dan Phil’s flatmate and Phil hadn’t corrected her. It wasn’t like they’d told anyone at all, so it wasn’t a surprise, but there was a way things were going, a way things were, and if that way made Dan scoot a little closer to Phil, made him bring up things about Phil that only someone close to him would know, if that made him posture in a way that maybe wasn’t the most mature, who could blame him. Who could fucking blame him.

Phil ordered pizza for dinner, and they sat around and ate it—and she thanked them again—and promised to stay out of Dan’s hair as much as possible, until she was able to get her own place. He was too polite to say anything, but ‘it’s fine. Don’t worry about it’. It wasn’t what he wanted to say. But he ignored that part of himself. He didn’t like that part much. This was a person, a person permanently connected to the most important person in Dan’s life, and she was struggling. It didn’t matter how Dan felt.

Eventually, she slipped off to Phil’s room where she was going to be staying, and Phil came out with a duffle bag of his own stuff. Dan was leaning in his door, prepared to let Phil into his bedroom. He gave Phil a small smile, but he didn’t duck into the room. He kept right on going and Dan’s stomach sank.

He really thought Phil would be staying with him, but maybe it made sense that he was going to go sleep on the futon in the spare room. Things between them were still pretty new, and being stuck in the same room together might be a lot, even though Dan didn’t feel like it would be a lot. He liked— _loved—_ the idea of Phil nestled beside him every night. It sounded wonderful.

Maybe Phil just needed space for tonight or maybe he didn’t want to impose on Dan or ask him to give up anymore of his space. Maybe Dan just needed to go talk to Phil about it.

Dan stood there in the doorway, staring in the direction that Phil had just gone. He considered taking that step forward to follow after him, but for some reason, he couldn’t seem to move his feet. Maybe he was just tired too. Maybe he just needed time too. He let out a long breath, then turned into his room, shutting the door behind him.

For hours, Dan laid there, staring into the darkness. He tried everything to go to sleep. He tried counting backwards, he tried counting backwards in multiples of three. He tried imagining he was walking through a familiar place. He tried deep breathing… nothing worked. His mind was just anxious jumble of thoughts and anxieties.

He’d seen his life one way, and then there had been that moment in this room, right there, when he’d stood and watched Phil who had his hand down his pants and was getting off to two men having sex. Then, they were on the couch, watching _Kill Bill,_ chasing that good feeling together. There was the movie theatre, and then kiss after the found out about the radio show. There was that morning in Phil’s room that had been slow and sexy and wonderful. So much in between, so many moments of taking their friendship and building a new frame around it. And so then he’d seen his life in a different way.

And now there was this.

This wrecking-ball truth Dan was being forced to accept. Phil was having a baby with a woman who was currently sleeping right next door. A woman who was now, without any real input from Dan, a permanent fixture in their lives.

Dan had no idea how to accept this.

There was a knock at the door.

Dan’s immediate thought was to just say, “Come in,” but then he realized it might not be Phil, so he said, “Who is it?”

“It’s Phil, Dan.”

“Come in,” he said, a surge of hope flowing through him. Had Phil changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to sleep on a lumpy futon, but rather in here with Dan where he belonged.

The door squeaked open and Phil stepped inside. He was in his pajamas. Some bright plaid bottoms and an almost lime green hoody. His hands were stuffed into the front pocket. He slipped one of his hands out just to shut the door.

“Is everything okay?” Dan asked quietly.

Phil said nothing, for a moment, and then opened his mouth. He didn’t get any words out though, just a wracked breath before he pressed his lips together again to keep himself together.

Dan’s chest ached—an immediate, visceral reaction—to seeing that kind of pain and worry on Phil’s face. Dan sat up and slipped out of bed. He walked over to Phil.

Dan put a hand on Phil’s cheek, and Phil gasped as his head snapped up and his eyes focused on Dan. Dan stroked his cheek softly, gently, with the backs of his fingers.

Phil’s eyes fluttered shut. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay,” Dan said. “I’m here. I’m right here. It’s going to be fine. You’re going to be okay.”

Phil swallowed loud enough Dan could hear it, and then let out another shaky breath. Dan just wanted to kiss the pained look on his face away.

So he tried.

He kissed Phil. Phil didn’t immediately react to him, but Dan just kept that pressure insistent, comforting, and eventually Phil’s whole body seemed to just lean against him and Dan just held him tighter. Kissed him better, deeper. Dan wanted Phil to know how much he wanted him, how much he’d always want him, so he pressed his tongue between Phil’s lips, licked into his mouth. Their hands were on each other’s bodies. Phil was grabbing at Dan’s bare skin, sliding his fingers down Dan’s back, and as they kissed, and kept kissing, Dan could feel Phil’s hardness. He looked down to see Phil tenting his pajama bottoms.

Dan slid his hand down Phil’s chest and rubbed Phil through the fabric.

Phil let out a muffled groan and buried his mouth against Dan’s neck, like he was trying to block out any possible sounds. There was something not far away, who didn’t need to hear this.

Dan kept on kissing and touching, and kissing and touching, and it was needy and desperate. Phil was nearly biting at his lips, his stubble scratching against Dan’s cheeks. He loved the roughness of that, loved how he’d feel it still tomorrow.

Then, Dan needed more. Wanted to give Phil more than he’d ever given him yet. In this moment, Phil was scared and falling apart, and Dan wanted to catch him. Wanted to the be thing that would always make him feel good in the midst of everything else.

Dan kept his hand between Phil’s legs, looked him in the eye and kept that gaze, as he dropped to his knees.

“ _Dan._ ”

Phil sounded so wrecked, and Dan was so hard in boxer-briefs.

Dan nuzzled the tent in Phil’s pajama bottoms, then mouthed over it until there was little wet patch. He hooked his fingers around the waistband of Phil’s pajamas and tugged down.

He’d never done this before. Never had his mouth around cock, and there was a sudden stomach-flipping thrill he didn’t know what to do with. He wanted to do this though. Wanted the taste of Phil on his tongue and wanted to feel his lips stretching around Phil’s thickness.

Phil was just staring down at him. It was a bit intimidating, but Dan just let out a shaky breath then wrapped his lips around the tip, sinking down enough to massage Phil’s foreskin with his tongue. Phil hissed and sank his hands into Dan’s hair, pulling him in deeper.

It made Dan a little, but he steadied himself out. He could do this. Could take it. He wanted to. Wanted to lick and suck and occasionally open his eyes to watch Phil watch him as he took that cock deeper and deeper into his mouth.

He felt the tip at the soft start of his throat and he swallowed around Phil.

“Fuck,” Phil said quietly. “Oh, fuck.”

There was a little surge of pride in Dan and he did it again. And again, before pulling back up to mouth at the tip, to lick through the slit. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing so he just trying things, and repeating the things that he’d had done to him that he liked.

It was incredible, Dan thought, to be on his knees for Phil like this. To take his friend into his mouth and make him feel good like this. Just again and again and again.

“I’m… I’m…”

Dan knew it was a warning, an opportunity to pull off and finish Phil with his hand, but Dan didn’t want that. He wanted to bring Phil all the way with his lips and his tongue, so he just kept sucking him off until he heard a small grunt and felt Phil come all over his tongue. It tasted salty and strange, a little worse than he’d imagined, but he didn’t mind it. He kind of liked that it wasn’t great. That he’d swallow for Phil, even though he didn’t really like the taste.

So he did, then he pulled off Phil’s dick and made sure Phil was watching him.

“Fuck,” Phil said quietly. “Fuck.” He stumbled back a little and tugged his pajama bottom back up.

Dan wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, and he was achingly hard in his own in his own pants, but he didn’t want Phil to be worried about that. Not tonight.

“Thank you,” Phil said. “That was… you’re very good at that.”

“Thanks,” Dan said. Awkwardly, he was still on his knees.

There was a moment of silence, then he said, “I should probably go. It’s late and we both need to get some sleep.”

_What?_

Dan got to his feet and felt a little silly and awkward and exposed doing it. “You can—”

“It’s okay.” Phil gave him a soft smile. “Have a good night, okay? Sorry I kept you up.”

Before Dan could get another word out, Phil was out of his bedroom and Dan was just stood there alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this gets really, really dark. dan makes some poor choices at the end of this chapter--including unsafe sex. this is the start of the destructive behavior roger mentions to phil in dtu. i'm really sorry about this chapter :( go read dtu after.

Dan didn’t sleep that night. Not at all. He just laid there on the covers of his bed, a throbbing ache in his chest. He didn’t cry or anything like that. He just laid there, unable to do anything but focus on the heavy yet still somehow hollow pain he felt between his ribs.

He watched the sun filter in in the morning, and he tried to bury his head under the pillow but it wasn’t like he was going to fall back to sleep anyway. He just didn’t want to leave his room, not when he could hear Phil or maybe June up and about. Probably June because Phil was definitely not a morning person… but maybe Phil had trouble sleeping last night. Just like he had.

Or maybe he didn’t care at all…

Maybe what had happened between them didn’t matter to Phil the way it had mattered to Dan. The way he’d left the night before seemed to suggest that was true. Or maybe he was just struggling with the situation with June.

The situation… that probably wasn’t proper thing to call the reality that Phil was going to be a dad.

It was selfish, he guessed, and immature too, but he was just left wondering now, with this baby, how were he and Phil going to fit into it? Were they going to fit into it all?

A single tear slipped out of his eye and tracked its way down Dan’s cheek. He sniffed and quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. _Fuck._ He couldn’t start crying. If he started crying, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Dan laid there a while longer, before grabbing his laptop for a distraction. Unfortunately, fucking around on tumblr wasn’t really helping him feel any better and his stomach was starting to growl. He couldn’t just stay in his bedroom forever, just to avoid any awkwardness and tension that existed beyond this door.

He rolled himself out of bed and pulled on some joggers and a t-shirt. His hair was a little curly, from sweat and sleep, but he definitely didn’t have the energy to try and straighten his fringe. Not before he had something to eat at least.

Both June and Phil were in the kitchen. He was showing her how to use to the dishwasher and something about that just made a surge of anger swoop through Dan. That was _their_ dishwasher. She was just a guest, right? She didn’t need to know how to work the dishwasher.

“Good morning,” June said to Dan, a timid smile on her face.

“Morning.” He opened the cupboard grabbed a bowl, then he silently nudged past Phil to pull out his box of Crunchy Nut. It felt a little too light, and when he went to pour it only the crumbs at the bottom fell out into the bowl. He felt another surging swoop of anger.

“Phil, did you eat my cereal?”

“Sorry. I wanted a snack last night.”

_Last night? Like after I sucked your cock and you just left? You just went and got a snack?_

“What am I supposed to eat for breakfast now?”

“I don’t…” Phil stepped back. “I’m sorry, Dan. I think we have some some yogurt.”

“I don’t want… whatever, I’m just going to go to Tesco’s and get some.”

“ _Dan._ ”

Logically, he knew he was being unnecessarily short, but honestly, he was pissed, and if it wasn’t about the goddamn cereal Phil had to always eat, it was about last night. And Dan needed to not be in the same room with Phil—and the fucking girl he knocked up right now.

He threw on his shoes and coat, grabbed his wallet and keys and left the flat.

Dan didn’t even feel like eating anymore as he walked down the street, his hands tucked and fisted in the pockets of his coat. He felt sick to his stomach, images of Phil and that woman twisting around in his mind.

She was pregnant, and the absolutely only way he’d gotten her pregnant was if he’d had sex with her. Dan had assumed they were shagging when they’d briefly gone out but _fuck,_ this was evidence of it. Evidence that the cock that had been inside Dan’s mouth last night had been inside her too. It shouldn’t be a big deal. It shouldn’t make him feel nauseated, but it _did._

When Dan finally made it to Tesco’s, he could barely feel his own body. He felt like he was standing somewhere out of it, just sort of watching himself walk around. He somehow found his way to the cereal aisle where he grabbed the biggest box he could find and then went to check out.

On the way back to the flat, Dan considered just calling up his grandma or something. Seeing what she was up too. Maybe he could just go visit her for awhile because honestly, after last night, Dan had no idea how he was supposed to live in that flat with Phil. With Phil _and_ June _and_ their baby growing inside her.

He was mad—he was fucking mad—but he couldn’t just leave. He needed to know where they stood with each other. Needed to know how they could make this thing between them work now. Because _God,_ God fucking help him _,_ he needed it to work. He was in love with Phil and _needed_ them to work.

He was still fucking mad though. It _sucked._ It sucked to get on his knees like that and do something that he’d never done before, that was a pretty big fucking deal, and then just be left to feel shitty, like he didn’t matter.

_You don’t matter._

Dan tried to push that though away, tried to hold back the cold waves of thoughts like that that were always crashing in and at the back of his mind.

_You don’t matter._

_You’re an inconvenience._

_No likes you. Why should they?_

_He was always going to get fed up with you._

Dan curled his fingers in towards his palm, hoping that the slight sting from his fingernails would help ground him, help him not feel like such a piece of shit. It wasn’t working the way it needed to be working.

His hand was shaking as he tried to get the key into the lock of their flat door. It took a few tries, but eventually he managed and he forced himself up the stairs and into the kitchen, the plastic bag holding the box of Crunchy Nut around his wrist.

He put the box away and didn’t even bother to pour himself a bowl of cereal. He was not hungry at all anymore.

Neither June or Phil were anywhere to be found. He didn’t see or hear them and he was wondering if maybe they’d gone out together somewhere or something. He guessed it didn’t matter and wasn’t really any of his business.

He pushed open the door to bedroom and gasped when he saw Phil sitting there on the edge of his bed, hands hanging clasped between his legs, his gaze turned down towards his hands.

“Jesus, Phil. You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he said, still looking down. “Can we talk?”

Dan’s heart started pounding. _Can we talk?_ That did not sound good at all.

“I…I guess,” Dan tried to sound casual. “What is it?”

Phil let out a breath and looked up at Dan. His eyes were red and swollen. He’d clearly been crying. Dan could tell from the gruffness of his voice too. “I… I need you.”

“Phil.” Dan took a step toward him.

Phil sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for last night and for, for all of it.”

“You’re _sorry_ for it?” Dan felt a little like he was going to pass out. Phil was sorry for the things he and Dan had done together?

“I should’ve never… not to _you_ and now, now what am I going to do? I have to be a father, Dan. I’m so scared… shit, I didn’t even know it was possible to be this scared and now, now I’m losing you too because I had to be such a fucking idiot.”

“You don’t have to lose me.”

Phil shot up from the bed, raked a hand through his hair. “I can’t do it. I… I can’t. Everything is… my whole life is fucked up now, and it’s too much and I just can’t and I don’t know how to do it.”

“You’ll figure it out, Phil. It going to be okay.”

He shook his head. “It’s not. It’s not. I really fucked up. I fucked up my life and our friendship and now you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Phil. I could _never_ hate you.” _I love you. I’m in love with you._

“I can’t be… we can’t… I need my friend, Dan. I need you to be my friend. I’m so fucking scared.”

“It’s okay, Phil.” Dan stepped forward. He wasn’t sure what to do. “It’s okay.”

Phil moved forward and wrapped his arms around Dan and buried his face into the crook of Dan’s neck. Phil clung on tightly, and Dan did his best to hold on too. Phil needed him, but he didn’t need him the way Dan wanted him to and he just had to learn to accept that.

Phil didn’t owe him anything. He never had, and right now, Phil needed his friend. His best friend, and fuck it, Dan was going to be there for him, no matter how much it was goddamn killing him.

“It’s okay,” Dan said again, even though it wasn’t. “It’s okay, Phil. I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here.”

“Dan, I can’t, we can’t…” Phil sniffed again. “I mean we—”

“I know what you mean, Phil. I get it. It’s fine.”

It was too much. It was too much for Phil to handle the baby and to handle a relationship with Dan. Dan understood that—he knew he was bit much anyway—and this was all so new and unexpected for Phil. He had to focus on the baby, and Dan could live with that. He could find a way to live with that for his friend.

 

_one month later_

 

It started with them holding hands. It started with Dan hearing the front door open, with the June and Phil coming back from her appointment. It started with him looking down the steps to see, just turning and looking because he heard a sound and instinctively followed it. It started with them walking through the door and them probably not expecting Dan to be standing there, at the top of the stairs, seeing their hands linked together.

It started there, but it didn’t stop there.

Dan hadn’t expected this to be perfectly honest. He’d thought that Phil hadn’t been able to handle a romantic relationship, but there he was _holding hands_. Dan kept his mouth shut about it, never said a thing, neither did Phil, but it was just this thing that was there between them. And then, Dan walked in on them in the kitchen once. They didn’t see him coming. They were talking about another one of June’s appointments. They were talking about the baby, about seeing the baby in a sonogram.

“We’re having a son,” Phil had said to her.

“We are,” June replied, then she’d pressed up on her toes and kissed him on the mouth.

He kissed her back.

Dan felt his knees almost give out under him. He had to grab onto the wall to just stay standing. He’d never seen Phil kiss someone else, and he couldn’t actually believe it was happening. That any of this was happening. Right in front of him—even though they hadn’t realized it.

The worst was when he’d gotten a knock on his bedroom door.

“Hey, Dan, can I come in?” It was Phil.

“Sure.” What else could he say?

So Phil did, and he just sort of stood there for awhile but eventually he managed to speak though Dan didn’t remember all the words—they hardly felt like words as Phil said them and Dan hardly felt like a person who could hear them, let alone make sense of them. They were all so jumbled.

_Just letting you know._

_Thank for you being there for me._

_You’re my best friend._

_June_

_She’s the mother of my child, Dan._

_Marry her._

_Marry her._

_I’m going to marry her._

Now that last phrase, Dan could make sense of that. There was no ignoring it. It was a knife slicing through the dense fog that Dan had filled his life with ever since June showed up on their doorstep.

_I’m going to marry her._

How was Dan supposed to react to that? He didn’t know, so he just said this, “Okay. Yeah, thanks for telling me, mate.”

Phil left, and Dan was left just _there._ Just listening to the thing twisting and clawing around in himself. What was wrong with him? Why had he ever believed Phil would want him? Why had he ever believed that Phil just wasn’t ready for romantic relationship? It wasn't that. It was that Phil wasn’t ready for _him_ , which made sense honestly. Phil had always been too good and Dan too desperate.

But now, it didn’t matter. It would never matter because Phil didn’t love him and would never want him, and _fuck_ he needed someone to want him and it didn’t matter how or who. But he couldn’t get stuck in the cycle he’d been stuck in since he kissed Phil on the Big Wheel.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and downloaded Grindr. Because why the fuck not.

Dan signed up and put as many good pictures as he could up. He didn’t include his face because, you know, he was recognizable at least to some. He didn’t want someone fucking him just because they recognized him from Youtube. He did have some of his side profile, head turned down though.

Lots of other profiles didn’t have a face either and, honestly, he wasn’t sure he cared _that_ much about what the man would like.

They weren’t Phil, so he knew they could only look so attractive to him anyway.

So he put together a profile as quickly as he could.

Dan

21 years old

6’3”

Single

It had been nerve-wracking to go through the set up of the thing though, to be asked all these strange invasive questions that Dan honestly hadn’t given much thought to. Questions like vers, bottom, top. Options to choose things like twink or bear. Dan really hated labels so he didn’t answer most of them, just put a self deprecating but still kind of funny line as his profile and hoped it would be enough.

It was—and he was a little shocked by how much response there was to him. It only took a few minutes and he had some men wanting to chat with him.

The first two were okay looking, which was good enough for him, but they were really annoying in the chat. Almost robotic, like he wasn’t sure they weren’t porn bots, even though he knew they weren’t. And a few after that, he talked to for a while but one of them stopped replying and the other one kept asking about the soles of his feet.

Finally, there was a guy. Only half of his face was visible. He had a short beard and really broad shoulders and thick chest with like defined pecs.

Wes

26 years old

6’0”

Single

He wasn’t bad to talk to either. He was a little overly flirtatious but that _is_ what they were all here for? A hook up. He seemed like a smart, normal real person, and best of all, he was _different._ There was almost nothing about him to remind Dan of Phil. He was stocky and gruff and worked in construction and was a fan of premier league football. They probably wouldn’t have a lot to say to each other, but he didn’t really plan on talking much to the guy. When Wes asked if and when he was available, Dan replied _now, if you are._

Apparently, Wes was available too.

Dan threw on a pair of black skinny jeans and a thin black t-shirt and ruffled his hair in the mirror. He thought he looked alright. Good enough for a quick fuck, maybe.

He walked out of his bedroom, creeping quietly to hope that he wouldn’t be noticed.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil said. “Where you going?”

“Oh, uh, nowhere. Just out, like to the shops or something,” Dan lied.

“Want some company?”

“I, uh… it’s fine. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind. I’d like to come,” Phil said.

Dan swallowed, his throat tight. He really didn’t want to sit here and come up with a fucking excuse for why Phil couldn’t go with him if he was just going to the shops. He wouldn’t be going out at all if it wasn’t for… no, that was done. He had to absolutely put that away.

“Just give me a minute and I’ll put on my shoes,” Phil added.

“I have a date, Phil.” It wasn’t exactly a date, but he wasn’t going to tell him the full truth. That he was going to hook up with some guy he’d met on grindr who’d actually filled out some of the identifications: top, otter—whatever the fuck that was.

“Wha—oh. Oh, okay.”

“Yeah, so, I’ll see you later.” Dan forced himself to turn away from Phil and walk down the steps and outside.

Wes was only a few blocks away so the walk didn’t take too long and, by the time, he was almost there the nerves were starting to ramp up and a part of Dan considered bailing but he knew he couldn’t do this that time. Couldn’t do it like all the times he had after Phil had turned him down in 2009. He _had_ to do this. He needed it. Needed to know he could.

When Dan got there, he double checked the address and then rang the bell. A few moments later, a broad shouldered man with buzzed hair and a beard about the same length opened the door. He was shorter than Dan, but bigger—more muscular—he was stretching out the fabric around his biceps. He hadn’t seen his face in the pictures on grindr, but his face was nice enough. And if those pics were of his actual body, then that would be fine too.

The man looked him up and down, then raised a single eyebrow. “Damn.”

Dan bit his lip. _“_ Hi, are… are you Wes?” _Fuck, what’s wrong with me?_ Why did his stupid voice have to sound squeaky right now?

He was still eyeing him up. “If you’re Dan, I certainly hope I am.”

“I, I am.” _Stop sounding squeaky, dumbass._

Wes had a wide smile underneath his short, stubbly beard. “Come on in then, gorgeous.” He ushered Dan into his flat. It was small, but mostly clean. He had football posters on the wall and a gym bag by the door. Dan followed him over to the breakfast bar in the kitchen.

Dan did not want to think about breakfast bars, or Manchester, or home or anything…

“Do you want a drink or something before we…?” He put a hand on Dan’s waist, tucking one of his large fingers under the hem of Dan’s t-shirt.

He didn’t want to think about those things but he also didn’t think it was a good time to be drinking. He had at least enough sensibility for that, even though his heart was pounding hard and his skin was all tense nerves.

“No, I’m good. Thanks,” Dan said tightly, barely managing this time not to sound squeaky. Or so he thought.

Wes cupped Dan’s cheek, running a thumb across his bottom lip. “Hey, don’t be nervous.”

_I wish I could just turn it off._

Dan swallowed. “Sorry, it’s just I’ve never done this before.”

Wes started to drop his hands away, his eyes wide. “Oh…”

“No,” Dan said quickly. He needed this to not stop. “Not like sex. Like a hook up. Like Grindr.” He’d never had sex with a stranger before, never with anyone he wasn’t in love with either.

A smile flicked across Wes’s face. “That’s okay, baby. I can take care of you. Show you the ropes.” Wes leaned up and kissed him. Dan felt himself start to panic, but he shoved it down. This was what always happened. He’d think not Phil, not Phil, and just run, but he couldn’t do that now because this wasn’t Phil, but it was also never going to be Phil. Not ever again. So he let Wes kiss him and Dan kissed him back the best he could.

Wes pulled away with a wet smack and just stared at his mouth. “Jesus, aren’t you a pretty thing? Look at those lips.” Wes kissed him again. This time deeper, wetter, dirtier, and then Wes took Dan’s hand brought it over between his legs. Dan was shaking a little, but he got the idea and rubbed Wes’s bulge. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to do this.

“Oh, yeah, baby,” Wes moaned. “Like that. You’ve got such big hands.”

“Thanks?” Dan said, squeaky again. He didn’t know what else to say or do. But he was tired of the nerves. Tired of being squeaky. Tired of caring.

“So, how do you want to do this?” Wes asked. “Do you want to put those perfect lips on my cock? Do you want to use your hands?”

No, he hadn’t come for that. He hadn’t come for anything that felt like what he’d done with Phil. He’d come to hit a final nail into a coffin.

“Fuck me,” Dan whispered.

“What was that?”

He forced his voice louder. “I want you to fuck me.”

Wes let out a breath, his eyes shutting. “Let’s go to the bedroom, then, huh?” He led Dan through the hall to his bedroom—more football posters, and an overflowing laundry basket. He shut the door behind them.

Wes nodded at Dan. “Go on, then. Take your clothes off.”

Dan swallowed, feeling incredibly vulnerable as he stood in this strange man’s room. He fussed with his shirt. “I’m not… and I mean, you kind of look like you go to the gym.”

Wes rucked Dan’s shirt up a little over his stomach. “I saw your pictures, baby. Don’t worry. I like ‘em a little soft.”

Soft? Was that what Dan was? Soft?

 _Whatever_ … he just gathered up his courage and slowly started stripping the clothes off his body, while Wes watched him. He could feel himself blushing all over his body, but he did his best to ignore it. He’d definitely have the rosy patches right now.

“Oh _fuck._ ” Wes was palming himself through his jeans, his eyes trained on Dan. Then, he dropped his touch away from himself and moved it to Dan. He ran his fingers all over Dan’s bare skin, over his shoulders and his nipples—he tugged those—and slid his calloused hands down to play with Dan’s cock.

He’d never had a man’s hands that weren’t his or Phil’s on his cock before. It was a different. Rougher. Much rougher. This man’s profile _had_ said he worked in construction.

Dan wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore. He was feeling strange and light-headed at these hands all over him that were the wrong hands.

Dan glanced at the bed. “Can we just—?”

Wes squeezed Dan’s ass, pulling him in. “Can’t wait to get a cock inside you, can you?”

“I…” Dan’s mind was pretty much short circuiting at this point. He wanted this. He _needed_ it, but that didn’t stop him from being scared shitless.

“On the bed, hands and knees, okay?”

“Yeah.” Dan moved over to the bed, crawling onto it. He pressed his face against the pillow that smelled of sweet unfamiliar detergent, and steeled himself.

He heard Wes get into the bedside drawer, and the sound of a cap popping open. The bed sank down as Wes moved on it behind him. Those rough hands were on his thighs, then up onto his ass, then he felt a big body lean against his. There was pressure against his rim, and it wasn’t fingers. Dan knew what fingers felt like.

“H-hey,” Dan choked out. “Shouldn’t we like use a condom?”

“Hmm…” Wes backed off. “I don’t have ‘em. Do you?”

 _Fuck._ How could he have fucking forgotten condoms? “No.”

Wes ran a finger down between Dan’s cheeks, over his rim. No one had ever touched Dan there before. ”Feels better bare anyway. And I’m clean. You?”

“Yeah. but I… I don’t know.” Logically, he knew this was a deal breaker. He should not be fucking someone without a condom, but there was this other bigger problem called he didn’t fucking care anymore.

“Baby, it’s okay,” Wes said, backing off. “We can just wank each other off, alright?”

“No.” It was a forceful no. “It doesn’t matter. You can fuck me.” Dan adjusted so his ass was higher in the air this time. Easier access, he figured.

Dan felt Wes lean his body against him again, he felt that pressure again, and then a cock was pushing inside him, stretching him out. It was slick, but it was _big._ The biggest thing he’d ever had inside him. It kind of hurt.

“Shit, fuck, fuck.” He scrambled on the bed, his whole body tightening up against the new, strange sensation.

Wes skidded a hand down his side and gently squeezed Dan’s hip as he bottomed out. His voice was soft as he said, “You’re too tense, princess. Relax.”

 _Princess?_ That was… Dan wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but if he were being honest, he didn’t feel much about anything. If this guy wanted to fuck him and call him princess what the hell did it matter.? At least he wanted to fuck him at all.

And he did fuck Dan. He waited a little, but not too long and he was thrusting and grunting and Dan was just taking it.

Wes kept breathing hot against his neck, muttering strings of nothing as he fucked into Dan. Things he could be muttering to anyone at all.

_So damn tight._

_Take cock so well._

_So good for me, princess._

And it started to feel good for Dan too, his own hand around his cock and Wes rubbing his prostate over and over. It was _a lot,_ and he’d probably be limping tomorrow, and he probably wouldn’t care if Phil noticed it.

Over and over and over, it didn’t feel like anything on the inside, but it was hot on the outside, and he was getting close, whining and whimpering, because he couldn’t seem to manage to make any normal sounds. But Wes seemed to like the ones he was making.

 _“_ That’s it, baby. That’s it.” Wes replaced Dan’s hand with his own, and it was tight and rough and Dan was coming all over Wes’s hand and on his sheets, and Wes was grunting, pulling out and coming all over Dan’s ass and thighs.

When Dan climbed out of his bed and wiped the come off himself with some tissues, when he tugged his clothes back on and left Wes’s flat, he kept waiting to feel something other than the ache that was making him walking funny, but he didn’t. He kept waiting for guilt or shame. He kept waiting for regret or sadness or even elation—he’d finally just done what he’d been keeping himself from for so long, waiting for Phil. He even kept waiting for the fear to come because he’d just let a stranger fuck him bare, but there wasn’t anything in all those places where there should be something. On the walk back to his flat—where Phil would be with the woman he was going to marry—Dan kept searching and searching and finding nothing inside him.

Nothing at all.


End file.
